Project Akatsuki
by adAprilShower
Summary: A series of crack fics about the lives of the 'evil' organization Akatsuki. Co written with my brother. No homophobes.
1. Itachi's Birthday

Hello

**Hello! What do ya know a story that isn't romance by me! Actually it's not by me, my brother made all this up and I just typed it and made it look like a story. So if you think it's funny, that's my brother, he got all the humor in our family. **

**Summary: It's the Akatsuki's toughest mission yet, finding Itachi a birthday present. Can they do it? CRACK**

**Neither of us owns anything **

**Itachi's Birthday **

It was two days till the dreaded day: Itachi's birthday, the hardest person in Akatsuki to shop for.

So, Pein packed all the Akatsuki (Minus Itachi) into the Akatsuki's black mini van and drove to Target in search of a present.

"Well first off, what does Itachi like?" Pein asked as the group walked down the aisles of the store.

"I don't know, he never says anything," Kisame said after thinking for a minute.

"Well, what's in his room?" Pein asked, hoping for a clue.

"Nothing! It's completely black," Kisame said.

"Does he even sleep?" Sasori asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I've never seen him sleep…have you Kisame?" Pein asked the shark-like man.

"Nope, he just stands there. I once stayed up all night to see of he'd sleep, but he never did," Kisame said.

"How about some gum…" Hidan said, then abruptly turned around, "Does he eat?!"

"I've never seen him, un…" Deidara said, after returning from the make-up section.

"Um…how many candles do we need? How old is he even?" Pein said, becoming exasperated.

"Oh god!" Kisame yelled, hitting his head on a wall.

"We could get him a hooker," Zetsu said, "That I'll eat afterwards…"

"Does he like boys or girls?" Pein asked.

"Why don't we get one of each and see which he goes to?" Sasori suggested.

"He's a murderer, not a dog!" Pein said.

"We can get him a giftcard," Konan said.

"To where?" Pein asked pointedly.

"Good point," Konan replied.

"Does he even blink, un?" Deidara asked, getting confused.

"I don't know…" Kisame said.

"I'll call him," Pein said, pulling out his cell phone. The phone stopped ringing, but there was no hello, just faint breathing, "He breathes guys," Pein told the other, "Hey Itachi, I'm assuming you are there and we were wondering…how old are you?"

"Sixty," he replied monotonously.

"Sixty?" Pein asked surprised.

"Uchiha's killed," Itachi said and hung up.

"Bastard hung up on me," Pein said, "Come on guys, looks like we're going to have to go to the next level."

The group pilled into the mini-van and drove all the way to Konoha. Just giving the guards an evil look got them in. They got Sasuke and dragged him, thrashing about, out of the village and tied him to a tree.

"What did you guys want?" he asked.

"It's almost Itachi's birthday. What should we get him?" Pein asked, point blank.

"How should I know," Sasuke spat out.

"What did you get him when he was here?" Pein asked.

"I just got him money," Sasuke replied.

"What did he buy?" Pein asked.

"He always told me he lost it. Once I asked him what he was going to buy ten seconds after I handed it to him and he still said he lost it," Sasuke said, rolling his eyes.

"Okay looks like we're not going to get anything here," Pein said and they all left, forgetting to let Sasuke go.

By now it was lunchtime, so Pein drove them to McDonalds to get something.

"I want a Big Mac," Hidan said.

"No, you never finish it," Pein replied.

"I want a Happy Meal," Tobi said happily.

"Dammit Tobi, I know you want a Happy Meal," Pein yelled, then sighed, "What do we get Itachi?"

"Don't go there," Kisame warned.

Through this whole charade the guy ordering the food was listening to the conversation, wondering what was going on.

"Kakuzu, what do you want?" Pein asked.

"I don't want anything," Kakuzu replied, not wanting to spend more money than they already were.

"You have to eat something," Pein said.

"Deidara and I want to go to Burger King," Sasori said.

"Then you should have said something before we got here," Pein said annoyed.

"I want a Big Mac," Hidan repeated.

"No Hidan. What about you Konan?" Pein asked.

"I don't want anything, I'm watching my figure," Konan said.

"You're always watching your figure, it concerns me," Pein said, "You know what Kakuzu; I'm getting you a McFlurry."

"I don't want anything…give me the change," Kakuzu said.

"Fine, we're going to Burger King," Pein said, getting fed up.

"I want a Whopper," Hidan said, when they got there.

"You can't have a Whopper, that's bigger than a Big Mac," Pein said, rubbing his head.

"What toys do they have here?" Tobi asked.

"I'll check," Pein said, "Uh, what toys do you have now?"

"One Piece and Barbie," the guy replied.

"That's a tough choice," Tobi said, "Can I watch Spongebob?" he asked, forgetting his earlier dilemma.

"No, I hate Spongebob," Pein said. Pein cell phone rang and he answered it.

"Where are the knives?" Itachi asked.

"We keep the knives away from you know," Pein said annoyed, "…do you want knives for your birthday?"

"We already have some," Itachi said.

"Yeah, whatever," Pein growled and hung up.

After buying practically everything at Burger King the Akatsuki returned home. Itachi was standing in the exact same spot they left him.

"Do you ever move Itachi? There are cobwebs on you," Pein said, rolling his eyes.

"Hn," Itachi replied.

Hidan searched through the Burger King bags, "Where my Whopper?"

Pein smacked his forehead in exasperation.

"I want to watch TV," Deidara said.

"No, you all argue too much on what to watch," Pein said.

"I want to watch Scrubs," Sasori said.

"No one wants to watch Scrubs!" Pein shouted.

"I want to watch CSI Miami," Itachi said.

"Would you want a CSI Miami shirt?" Pein asked hopefully.

"I have my cloak," Itachi said.

"I want to watch Spongebob," Tobi said.

"We're already watching Spongebob," Pein said, "Isn't this show over yet?"

"I read in the paper that they had a lawsuit against them" Zetsu said.

"We have a paper? Which means someone must deliver it! We're supposed to be hidden!' Pein yelled, "Screw you guys I'm going to bed." Pein said, getting up and going to his room after popping some Advil.

**-Break- **

The next day, Pein walked sluggishly down the stairs into the kitchen, not at all looking foreword to another day with his supposedly evil organization. He gave Deidara a look when he saw he had curlers in his hair.

"What's for breakfast?" Pein asked, ignoring the gender confused Deidara.

"Money down the drain," said Kakuzu.

"So Itachi, your birthday's tomorrow…" Pein said to the Uchiha.

"Hn."

"Are you excited?"

"Hn."

"Fine, I'll just come out and say it, how old are you and what the hell do you want?"

"Twenty."

"Close enough," Pein said, "What the drinking age here?"

"Like ten," Sasori said, flipping through the paper.

"I want a puppy," Tobi said suddenly.

"No Tobi, no more animals. Not after than one incident," Pein said, he turned his attention back to Itachi, "Do you like boys or girls?"

"Hn."

"You know what? How about we give you Deidara and call it both," Pein said.

Deidara huffed and flipped his hair, now out of the curlers.

"Well now we can at least get you a card," Pein said, "Come on everyone. Itachi stay here."

"Hn."

**-Break-**

"How about this one?" Deidara asked at Hallmark.

"It has a puppy on it," Sasori said.

"Why don't we just get a damn card and spray paint it black and write 'Happy Twentieth Birthday Itachi' in red and sign all out names," Pein said. Everyone agreed so they bought the card and gathered back into the mini-van.

"I want to go to Taco Bell," Hidan said.

"No," Pein said firmly.

"I want a Mexican Pizza," Hidan added.

"You never finish it," Pein said.

"Let's go to Subway," Sasori suggested.

"Dammit, we're not going to Subway!" Pein said.

Eventually Pein was persuaded to go to Taco Bell.

"I'll have one billion tacos and some cinnamon twists," Pein ordered. After getting all their food they were driving away when Pein noticed they hadn't gotten their cinnamon twists. He did a u-turn and stomped back into the store. After getting the cinnamon twists and yelling at an employee he returned to the van.

"What did I just sit on?" Pein asked when he heard a squelching noise when he sat down. The other Akatsuki members giggled. Pein grabbed the taco he sat on and threw it back at them.

"Who did it?" he asked and the others just giggled, "I swear to god you guys, you are seriously running down my patience. Why don't I just kill you all and hire new, better, not insane member?"

"I want a pet," Tobi said.

"Good god, fine if it will make you happy, I'll get you a pet," Pein said.

**-Break- **

"We should go to Disney World," Tobi said at the Pet Store.

"You've been pitching that for years Tobi, no. Now go find a pet," Pein commanded.

"What about Sea World?" Deidara asked.

"We got banned from there after Kisame got caught humping Shamu," Pein said.

"I think we should go to Sea World," Kisame said.

"No, you just want to go see your orca-shark hybrids," Pein said.

"I want a hamster," Tobi said.

"This morning you wanted a dog," Pein said, he turned around to find Kisame humping a fish tank, "Dammit Kisame, get off there! I can't take you anywhere!"

"No I want a hamster," Tobi said.

"No, hamsters make noise! They don't sleep," Pein said.

"Like Itachi, un," Deidara noted.

"Yeah, but Itachi doesn't make noise. He just stands there…god, I miss him," Pein said in despair.

"I still want a hamster," Tobi said.

"No Tobi, as long as you all live in my lair you are under my rules. I pay all the bills after all and the lease! Look at these bills! Five hours is the shower Deidara!" Pein yelled.

"Well, by then I was done conditioning," Deidara said.

"What happened?!" Pein asked.

"Hot water ran out," Deidara said.

"You used all the hot water?!" Pein shouted.

"Hey leader, can we get a female fish…you know to reproduce?" Kisame asked, wiggling his eyebrows.

"No Kisame!!" Pein yelled.

"Can I get a cat?" Tobi asked.

"Fine, we can get a cat," Pein said, nearing the end of his rope. So the Akatsuki bought a cat and finally returned home.

"We're back Itachi," Pein told Itachi, still in the exact same place he was when they left.

"What's that?" Itachi asked when he saw the cat.

"We got a cat," Pein said.

"…can I see it?" Itachi asked.

Tobi handed Itachi the cat and the Uchiha petted it.

"Whatever, I need some Advil," Pein said and walked to the kitchen.

**-Break-**

_The Next Day: Itachi's Birthday_

Pein walked heavily down the stairs. He slammed Itachi's birthday card on the table, "Happy fuckin Birthday."

"…thanks," Itachi said, "I like it…and the black frosting on the cake."

For once everyone was quiet, "This is really nice…" Pein said…and then the cat peed on the floor, "Come on! Can things not wrong for one…what is that stain?!"

"Um…it was me?" Tobi said uncertainly, not wanting to get his cat taken away.

"Don't be silly Tobi, we had you house broken years ago!" Pein said, "Konan, you're a women, clean it up!"

"Excuse me?!" she said.

"I mean…Hidan, clean that up," Pein ordered.

"No, not unless I get a Big Mac," Hidan said defiantly.

"For the love of-fine, I'll get you a Big Mac," Pein said.

After Hidan cleaned the stain, Pein drove just the two of them to McDonalds to get Hidan's Big Mac.

_Two Bites Later_ (In car)

"I'm done," Hidan said.

"What the hell?! This is why is said you couldn't get one," Pein yelled and pulled over, "Eat it."

"But I'm full…" Hidan started to say.

"Eat it!"

_Back at the Lair_

"How did you throw up just by eating one burger, Hidan, seriously," Pein scolded while hosing out the van, "You even puked blue, what the hell did you eat?"

"Yeah whatever, I was wondering Leader if you would all go to church with me," Hidan said.

"No, knowing your religion all you guys do is kill each other," Pein said.

"That is true. We pick a random member of the audience to sacrifice," Hidan said.

"We'll go!" Pein said quickly.

_United Church of Jashin _

"Itachi…what's in your shirt?" Pein asked, seeing the lump in Itachi's cloak.

"Nothing…" Itachi said.

"Unzip it and show me then," Pein commanded.

"Are you coming on to me?" Itachi asked.

"Fine, never mind," Pein said, rubbing his head.

"This is just great," Hidan complained, "Since Dei took five hours on her-"

"I'm a boy, un," Deidara interjected.

"No one believed you!" he shouted, "Now there are no good seats left."

"There aren't any good seats here," Pein said, "They're just seats."

Pein crossed his fingers hoping for one of the members to be sacrificed.

_Back Home _

After an unsuccessful attempt to get rid of one of the Akatsuki members, the group returned home. It was dinnertime, which meant they were ordering pizza.

"I don't want to have to ask this, but what does everyone want?" Pein asked.

"Vegetarian," Sasori said.

"That's gross," Zetsu commented.

"What do you want Zetsu?" Pein asked.

"Can you grind up human?" he asked.

"The best you can get is sausage," Pein said.

"Fine," Zetsu said.

"Can I-" Hidan began.

"No you don't finish it!" Pein yelled, "Where is Deidara? He's been in the shower for ten hours!"

Speak of the devil; Deidara entered the room, a towel wrapped around his chest like a girl.

"This is why we question your gender," Pein said.

"I don't want you to see me, un," Deidara said, guarding his upper body.

"We'll just get one of everything," Pein said, getting exasperated with the pizza situation.

"We don't have the money," Kakuzu said.

"Yes we do!" Pein shouted.

"I want anchovies," Kisame said.

"No Kisame, you just pick them off and take them to your room to do god knows what to them," Pein said, "Itachi what do you want?"

"Hn,"

"Can I get a salad," Konan asked.

"Sure,"

"We can get a salad, but not veggie?" Sasori asked, angrily.

"Fine we'll get whatever you want," Pein said and dialed the pizza place number, "Hello, I'd like to order, seven cheese, four pepperoni, two veggie and one sausage pizza and a salad…delivered to…" Pein looked at the other members, "What about delivery? You know what I guess you getting human after all Zetsu."

"Sweet,"

"The address is…"

**That's it! Odd ending I know, but whatever. Please review. **


	2. Itachi's Birthday Alt Ending

This is just an alternate ending I made to Itachi's Birthday

**This is just an alternate ending I made to Itachi's Birthday. It's really short.**

**EPIC WARNING: IF YOU DON'T LIKE YAOI OR SASUNARU GET THE FUCK OUT! DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU!**

**Itachi's Birthday-Alternate Ending**

Outside Konoha

"Damn Akatsuki, forgot to untie me," Sasuke mumbled, struggling against the ropes, "It's been like four days, someone had to be looking for me."

"I wonder where Sasuke is…he's been gone for days…" Sasuke turned his head as far as possible to see Naruto exiting the gates of Konoha.

"Naruto! Over here," he called, catching the blonde's attention.

"Sasuke-teme! What are you doing tied to a tree?" Naruto asked confused.

"The Akatsuki kidnapped me to ask me what to get for my brother's birthday and forgot to untie me afterwards," Sasuke explained.

"It's Itachi's birthday? Why didn't you tell me? I didn't get him anything," Naruto joked.

"Shut up and untie me," Sasuke said, annoyed.

Naruto chuckled, "You know what Sasuke? I think you can stay there for a few more hours," Naruto said slyly, while slowly pulling down Sasuke's khaki shorts.

"What are you doing?!" Sasuke asked in panic.

"I think you know," Naruto said with a smirk, "Who's seme now, bitch?"

**And I thought of it all by myself! I'm so proud, I found it quite comedic. Please review. **


	3. An Akatsuki Valentine

I honestly didn't want to write anything for Valentine's Day since I don't believe in it, but of course my brother had a good Akatsuki Valentines' idea so here it is

**I honestly didn't want to write anything for Valentine's Day since I don't believe in it, but of course my brother had a good Akatsuki Valentines' idea so here it is! **

**Co-written with my brother**

**You might want to read Itachi's Birthday to get some of the jokes**

**Summary: It's Valentine's Day with Akatsuki and hate; I mean LOVE is in the air. CRACK! No homophobes please**

**An Akatsuki Valentine**

The infamous Akatsuki leader, Pein was pissed.

…more than usual.

It was Valentine's Day. They wouldn't even be celebrating of some of the damn organization members didn't love it so much (like Dei). This was mostly because he never got a valentine once in his whole life. He had a deprived childhood, why'd you think he was a villain?! For kicks?!

"Happy Valentine's Day Leader!"

Pein turned around and saw Deidara in a Cupid costume. "OMGWTFBBQ?!"

"Something wrong Leader, un,?" Deidara asked like nothing was wrong.

"Nothing Deidara," Pein said, quickly composing himself, "I don't think Cupid wears a bra though."

Dei-chan?!" That could only be… "Why are you dressed as Cupid? It's Valentine 's Day. I wanted kinky! Bondage! S&M! Leather!" Sasori.

"That's not in the spirit danna, no matter how hot it sounds, un," Deidara said, "Don't worry Danna, we'll have fun later, un! I need to give out valentine's."

Deidara went about handing out valentines. Itachi couldn't get his though because he couldn't put down the cat (that doesn't have a name).

"Maybe we should get rid of that cat," Pein mused.

"Do it and I'll go homicidal maniac on all your asses," Itachi said monotonously.

"Or we could keep it!" Pein said quickly.

Don't I get any candy?" Hidan asked when he saw Deidara handing out chocolate.

(A/N: Say it with me everyone) "You never finish it!" Pein yelled.

"Last one is for Sasori-danna, un," Deidara said, wheeling a giant Trojan Horse size valentine over to the puppet.

"What's it say?" Itachi asked. His eyesight was failing him after all.

"Hmm," Pein squinted at the sloppy writing, "My love for you...it's over nine thousand!!"

"Bad Dragonball Z joke," Itachi said.

"I like Dragonball Z, un," Deidara said.

"Hey where's Kisame?" Zetsu asked, not seeing the fishman anywhere.

"Something tells me it has to do with fish and humping. At least his hornyness doesn't cost us money. Unlike Dei's girlish desires," Kakuzu said.

"I'm not girly! Just gay!" Deidara said.

"I'll go find the fucker," Pein said, stalking over to Kisame's room. He picked up a bat on the way there.

_Knock, knock_

"A little busy right now!"

"Open the door Kisame!"

"Oh Leader! Don't come in I'm busy!"

"What the fuck are you doing I'm breaking down the door!"

"No Leader, don't!"

"Oh dear god! What the fuck Kisame?!"

"I told you not to come in!"

"Bad Kisame! Down boy!"

"No, Leader! Put down the bat! No!"

_A few minutes later_

"Got Kisame," Pein said, walking back into the room with the beat up fishman in tow, "Can we just go eat breakfast or something?"

"Wait! Tobi hasn't given out his Valentine's!" Tobi said. He walked over to Leader and handed him a childish looking Valentine, obviously homemade.

"Happy Valentine's Day, Leader!" everyone, except Itachi said.

"Thanks guys," Pein said, maybe his organization wasn't so bad, "This is kinda-WHAT IS THAT STAIN?!"

**I quite enjoyed writing this actually. Hope you all liked it! Valentine's Day sucks and is a scam. Review please. **


	4. Sand, Clay and Fish

Yay

**Yay! I'm back with another crack filled Akatsuki fic, co-written with my brother who says he's the president of 'Project Akatsuki'!**

**Summary: Pein thought one horny fish-man was bad enough, wait till he sees Sasori and Deidara. No homophobes please. Please read the first ever Akatsuki crack fic that I wrote, Itachi's Birthday, to understand some jokes. **

**Sand, Clay and Fish**

_Knock, knock_

"Pein?"

"Yes Konan?" Pein asked, from behind his desk in his 'office'. Why a villain has an office, nobody knows.

"Some of the members what to speak with you on an issue," Konan said from behind the door.

"Why don't they fill out a damn request form and put it in the box, that's what it's there for," Pein asked annoyed.

"Because you never even check it," Konan said. Pein never did check the requests, it was just to get them to shut up and leave him alone for one damn minute.

"Fine, I'll be out in a minute," Pein said, defeated.

He walked out of his office and into the living room at an agonizingly slow pace, not at all eager to see his 'evil' organization. He looked around at the group, but some things were missing.

Let's see…Konan…Hidan…Kakuzu…Tobi…Itachi…cat…Zetsu…yes, they were missing three.

"Where are Kisame, Sasori and Deidara?" Pein asked.

"They're the ones we want to talk about," Kakuzu said.

Oh, of course.

"Well, what is it? If you want to kill them I'm all for that," Pein said, and he was not kidding.

"They need…" Konan paused for a second to lean in and whisper, "_Help_."

"We're S-Class criminals, I think we all need help," Pein replied.

"We just think their…sex drives are a bit too high," Konan said.

"I know that," Pein said. This was _not_ news to him, he had been trying to control Kisame's fish humping and Sasori & Deidara's many (and extremely kinky) sex…activities since forever.

"Maybe we should get them some kind of help…like Alcoholic's Anonymous except for sex addicts," Konan suggested.

"I want you to sign me up too," Itachi said monotonously.

"…Why?" Pein asked after a long silence, slightly afraid of the answer.

"I was joking," Itachi said just as monotonously as always.

"Oh, ok," Pein said, "…Wait…what?"

**-Break-**

Pein made his way first over to Sasori and Deidara's room. He knocked loudly on the door. If there was one thing he learned from leading the Akatsuki it was this: _Always knock first_.

"Come in," came Sasori's voice from the inside.

They weren't going at it? What a surprise.

Pein entered the room, trying to ignore the strange puppets and other gadgets lining the walls and Sasori and Deidara lying in bed, under the covers…and the pink bra on the floor.

"Guys, I've been thinking. You guys need…help," Pein said, trying to think of the best way to go about this.

"We're S-class criminals, we all need help," Sasori answered (A/N Whoa, déjà vu).

"Help with you're…sex problem," Pein clarified.

"What sex problem, un?" Deidara asked innocently.

"The sex as in what you keep having twenty-four seven and the problem as in the fact that it is getting in everyone's way. Seriously, you do it everywhere! I have to keep a bat next to my office door in case you decide to do it in there _again_," Pein said becoming angry.

"I liked it better the first time he caught us and he just ran away screaming, un," Deidara whispered to Sasori.

"Anyways, I'm taking you two and Kisame to a sexaholics anonymous meeting tomorrow," Pein said, "Good? Good, ok, bye."

Now to tell Kisame, but for him, he had a different approach.

"Kisame, we're going to get seafood tomorrow," Pein said from outside his door.

"Sweet," he heard Kisame say from the inside.

Perfect.

**-Break-**

"Leader-sama!"

Pein sighed; he heard this call every day.

Every. Single. Day.

"What is it Kakuzu?" Pein asked the Akatsuki's self-proclaimed treasurer.

"Have you seen these bills?" Kakuzu asked, unrolling a large sheet of paper out in from of Pein.

"Yes, it's from Deidara in the shower," Pein said.

"Not this time, look how many purchases went under _personal_," Kakuzu said.

Pein took the paper and looked at the number, when he saw it his eyes widened. "I'll go talk to them, but remember they do have the sexaholics anonymous meeting today," Pein reminded him.

"Yeah…by the way how much does that cost?" Kakuzu asked.

"Now if you'll excuse me…" Pein quickly said and hurried away before answering the question. He didn't want Kakuzu more pissed than he already was.

**-Break-**

After a quick dose of Advil, Pein made his way once again over to Sasori and Deidara's room. And once again he knocked.

"Come in, un," said Deidara.

When he entered the room he did not see anybody, but the light in the bathroom was on and the door was open. Pein took a deep breathe before entering the bathroom. It was quite a creepy place. Let's just say, Deidara had more beauty products than Konan.

When he entered, Sasori was repainting his nails, as the Akatsuki dress code calls for and Deidara was straightening his hair with his trusty pink hair straightener.

"I wanted to talk to you about cost of all you're purchases placed under _personal_," Pein said.

Sasori and Deidara looked at each other. "I didn't think it was that much," Sasori finally said.

"Are you kidding me?! I haven't seen that many zeroes in my life!" Pein yelled, "Just how much can you spend on lube and sex toys?!"

"Grape lube?" Deidara asked sheepishly, holding up a tube as an offering.

Pein sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Be downstairs and ready to go to the meeting in one hour," he said.

When he left he heard Deidara whine to Sasori, "How am I supposed to be ready in only one hour, un?"

**-Break-**

An hour later Sasori, Deidara and an unknowing Kisame were in the mini van and Pein was giving final orders to the remaining members.

"Ok, Zetsu you watch Tobi, that means erase the history if he goes on the computer, block the porn on the TV and make sure he doesn't run into any walls…again. Kakuzu, you're in charge of making sure Hidan doesn't eat anything. Konan, you keep an eye on everyone. We shouldn't take too long," Pein said and left.

"Why can't I eat?" Hidan asked.

"You never finish it," the rest of the Akatsuki replied.

**-Break- **

"We're here," Pein announced parking in front of the building. They all exited the van and Kisame looked around confusedly.

"This isn't seafood," Kisame said.

"Duh, we're here for sexaholics anonymous," Sasori said, rolling his eyes.

"What?! Why am I here? I don't have a sex problem," Kisame said.

"You hump anything with gills," Pein said.

"You're just jealous because you don't get as much as me," Kisame said.

Pein sighed and asked himself why he didn't bring his Advil. "Let's just get this over with," he said and dragged the other three inside.

While waiting for the class to start, the four ran into a familiar face.

"Orochimaru?!"

"Hey guys, you have sex problems too?" Orochimaru asked.

"Oh dear god," Pein said, massaging his temples, "I did not need that image."

Luckily, they didn't have to talk to Orochimaru because the class was starting. Pein took a seat in between Deidara and Sasori for obvious reasons. That's when Pein notice someone was missing.

Kisame.

He looked around a spotted a fish tank of all things in the corner.

"Why is there a fish tank in here?!" he asked the instructor.

"We find that it helps relax the patients," he answered.

"Not for someone," Pein grumbled. When he turned to look again at the fish tank Kisame was already attempting to fit inside it. Pein reached into his cloak and pulled out his trusty bat to beat Kisame into submission, then made Kisame return to his seat.

"Ok," their instructor said looking around nervously, "Let's get started by introducing yourselves. You can start," added pointing to Orochimaru.

"Me? Well, I'm the one of the great three Sannin, Orochimaru, and I'm a sex addict and pedophile," Orochimaru said like it was perfectly normal.

"Hi Orochimaru."

"I guess I'm next," Sasori, who was sitting next to Orochimaru, said with a sigh, "My name's Sasori and I am apparently a sex addict."

"Hi Sasori."

"You all can just call me Leader-sama and I'm just here to watch the three freaks," Pein said.

"Hi Leader-sama."

"My name's Deidara and I am a sex addict, un!" Deidara said brightly, "That's my boyfriend," he added, pointing to Sasori.

"Hi Deidara."

"My name's Kisame and I don't belong here," Kisame said.

"Yes you do!" Pein yelled.

"Hi Kisame."

And let's just say it went downhill from there.

**-Break-**

"I find it hard to believe you both had to go to the bathroom at the same time," Pein said after the meeting.

"Why's that?" Deidara asked.

"Because Sasori's a puppet and never has to go to the bathroom," Pein said.

"Oh yeah," Sasori said, as if he forgot that little detail.

"Whatever," Pein said, "Let's get out of here before-"

"Hi guys!"

"Hi Orochimaru," the others said unenthusiastically.

"Wasn't that fun, aw yeah. Good times in sexaholics. Reminds me of when I was in Akatsuki," Orochimaru rambled, "There was…well, Itachi. That didn't work out well, but we had fun times didn't we Sasori?" Orochimaru put his arm around the puppet master.

"Hey back off, he's mine, un," Deidara said, pulling Sasori away from Orochimaru.

"Don't worry I have a (young) man," Orochimaru said, "Just thinking about what we used to do as partners."

Pein frowned and wondered how long these affairs in his organization had been going on.

**-Break-**

The drive home was pretty much hell.

It went something like this:

"'I've never been with anyone before' Danna said. 'You're my first' Danna said."

"Quit whining you brat, fooling around with someone isn't the same as being with them."

"It is to me Danna! You lied!"

"You're overreacting, grow up."

"You grow up, lying is so immature. I can't believe I gave you my virginity!"

"I can't believe you're such a prude."

"Don't I mean anything to you Danna?"

"You would if you'd quit being so annoying."

"I hate you Sasori, hate you!"

"Can we still get seafood?"

And so on and so forth.

**-Break-**

**Two Days Later**

_Knock, knock_

Pein began banging his head against his desk when he heard the sound of knocking. Why must everyone bug him when he was trying to work?!

"Come in," Pein said tiredly.

And of course it was Konan. Coming to once again tell him what he was doing wrong.

"I think you should talk to Deidara," Konan said.

"Why the hell would I do that?" Pein asked.

"You know why! He's been an emotional wreck ever since he and Sasori broke up. He needs comfort," Konan said.

"So, you comfort him you're the women," Pein said.

Wrong response.

"Pein," Konan said calmly, "Remember what happened last time you wanted me to do something because 'I'm the women'?"

"I'll go talk to Deidara," Pein said and quickly left the room.

After a dose of Advil, Pein went over to the second most dangerous room in the Akatsuki hideout. Deidara's room (The first dangerous is Kisame's).

Pein put his ear up against the door, just in case Deidara was doing something…well, something he didn't want to see. He could actually hear Deidara whimpering.

Pein took a deep breathe and opened the door, deciding not to knock. Trying to open the door proved to be more difficult than it should be.

'What's blocking this thing?' Pein asked himself. After finally opening the door, Pein discovered a sea of used tissues blocking the entrance to Deidara's room. As for Deidara, he was sitting on his bed, in a pink bathrobe, hair messy, watching soap operas, eating a carton of Ben & Jerry's.

Pein waded through the tissues and empty ice cream cartons to sit next to Deidara. The two sat in awkward silence, the only noise from the crying of some abused pregnant chick on TV.

"Sooooooooo," Pein said, trying to think of something comforting to say. However, he wasn't good at being nice, beating on unruly Akatsuki members; that was his talent.

"About you and Sasori-"

"WWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

"Nonononononononononononononono!" Pein said, a little panicked, "Don't cry!"

"I miss Danna! I love him! No one else can satisfy my needs!" Deidara cried.

"Well, I'm just going go…hope you feel better," Pein said, backing out of the room.

'There's got to be some way to fix this. If they don't make up their performance will go down,' Pein thought, 'Well, I guess I'll try the other half.'

Pein found Sasori in the living room, reading a book on furnishing wood.

"Hey Sasori," Pein said.

"I don't feel like talking about Deidara," Sasori said.

"I'm sure you don't, but don't you miss him a little?"

"Not really, he's annoying."

"Well, yeah, but you two were together for so long."

"Exactly, I deserve some peace."

"Sure, but…what about the sex?"

"The sex was good…"

"Exactly! Sex is good."

"I guess I do kinda miss him."

"There now, why don't you go make up?"

"Okay…"

**-Break-**

"Don't you feel so fulfilled for helping Deidara out?" Konan asked the next day.

"Ask me when they're not doing it in the room next door," Pein said.

The rest of the Akatsuki (minus Deidara and Sasori) nodded and put in their ear plugs.

And Kisame went to order sushi.

**This took an unbelievably long amount of time. Hope you enjoyed. Please review. **


	5. Road Trip Part 1

Yes

**Yes! More crack goodness for all you! This is co-written with my brother, all the funny stuff is thought up by him. **

**Summary: The Akatsuki members convince Pein that it's time for a vacation. This should be fun. **

**Akatsuki Road Trip**

"Leader-sama…?"

That call was never a good one for infamous Akatsuki leader, Pein. It meant one of the members of his 'evil' organization wanted something.

Pein glanced up from the morning paper to see all of the Akatsuki members staring at him with big, watery eyes (well, except Itachi who was petting the cat, now called Whiskers). "What?" he asked.

"We were wondering…" Deidara said, innocently twirling a lock of blonde hair around his finger, "If we could…go on vacation."

"Are you insane?" Pein asked, not changing his expression. Seriously, like _these_…people…fish…plant…homicidal maniac…puppet…explosion happy…whatever could last on vacation without killing/injuring/having sex with each other.

"Please Leader-sama?" Hidan pleaded, "We could go visit attractions, swim, ski, eat…"

"You never finish it," Pein mumbled, "Besides we are not going cross country in a tiny van."

"We could rent a RV," Sasori suggested.

"Like hell we will," Kakuzu said, already concerned about how much money this trip was going to cost.

"Fine, if it will make you all shut the fuck up we'll go," Pein said, "Go get packed."

The others (except Itachi) cheered and went off in different directions to pack.

After packing his own necessary things such as clothes, Pein went over to the medicine cabinet and dumped all the Advil they had (which was a lot) into his suitcase.

"I'm all Advil," Pein said to himself. (A/N Remember kiddies, don't do drugs)

After packing, Pein went to check everyone else's luggage in case of illegal substances (well, what the Akatsuki considered illegal).

"What do you have Deidara?" Pein asked the blonde. Deidara opened his suitcase revealing his luggage of clay, nail polish, conditioner, pink hair straightener, make up and other girly items. Pein just shook his head until he spotted a peculiar tube.

"Why do you have lube?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. Deidara shrugged and smiled.

Too busy to argue, he went over to Kisame, "Open the bag Kisame," Pein said.

The fish man opened his suitcase; the only thing it contained was condoms…a lot of them.

"Now, how did those get in there?" Kisame said, feigning stupidity.

"Get rid of them Kisame. You are not allowed to hump anything on this vacation," Pein said and then moved on to Itachi.

"Where's your stuff Itachi?" Pein asked, seeing Itachi with nothing but the cat.

"Don't need anything," Itachi said.

"Ok then," Pein said and moved on to the last Akatsuki member.

"Got everything you need Tobi?" Pein asked and the newest member nodded, "Toys, blankie, night-night tape? We're not coming back you know."

"I got everything Leader-sama," Tobi assured.

"Fine, let's get going," Pein said. The group piled into the mini van and drove to the RV lot to get their ride.

"Let's see, we'll need the biggest one, since we all can't stand each other and must be as separated as possible," Pein reasoned as they walked together through the lot.

"Like hell we will," Kakuzu objected. He could see the money piling up.

"If you have such a problem with money than you stop Deidara from talking twelve hour long showers, you cheapskate," Pein yelled at Kakuzu. He was already angry and the trip hadn't even started.

After a few hours of arguing and debating, they got the RV and drove off.

"One hundred bottles of sake on the wall…" Deidara started to sing.

"No!" Pein yelled, like hell he was listening to them singing.

It was quiet for a minute, but then the chattering voices of a women and someone with a manly voice started up in the back.

"What are you girls doing?" Pein asked.

"I'm a boy, un," Deidara, the manly voice, said.

"We're just planning the trip," Konan, the women's voice, said, "Can't leave the planning to you guys."

"Yes, and I packed us all lunches!" Deidara said happily.

"Did you take of the crust on mine?" Tobi asked.

"Of course," Deidara said.

Pein sighed, "Where are we going first?" Pein asked, genuinely afraid of what the answer might be.

"The beach!" Konan said.

Pein looked over at Kisame who was looking innocently out the window. "Fine," Pein said. Let the torture begin.

**-At the Beach-**

Now, before we start with the festivities, let's check out everyone's bathing suit choices.

Pein: Standard swim trunks with the Akatsuki cloud symbol.

Konan: One piece bathing suit, also with Akatsuki cloud symbol.

Kisame: Swim trunks decorated with a fishy design (Leader wouldn't let him wear the Speedo).

Itachi: Akatsuki cloak ("Does he ever take that thing off?" asked Pein).

Kakuzu: Plain, black (cheap) shorts and t-shirt.

Hidan: Swim trunks covered in the same symbol that is on his necklace. The bathing suit also reveals the _Jashin Rules_ that is tattooed on his lower back.

Zetsu: Also plain shorts and t-shirt, but accompanied with a bib (don't want any human flesh on your nice clothes)

Tobi: Spongebob swim trunks and his mask still on of course.

Sasori: A wetsuit to assure no water gets on the wood.

Last, but not least, Deidara: A pink, string bikini.

Deidara's swim suit caused some raised eyebrows from the other Akatsuki members, except Sasori was looking at Deidara like Kisame at a fish.

"What?" Deidara asked, "I got the body and I'm not afraid to show it."

"Your chest mouth is showing," Pein said.

They all separated to go to their own activities.

Pein laid out a towel, preparing to sunbathe.

"Did you put on suntan lotion?" Konan asked him.

"I don't need suntan lotion, it'll just keep me from getting a tan," Pein answered.

"No, it won't," Konan said.

"For me it will, I can never tan. Not even spray on tan works!" Pein said.

Konan just shook her head, "You're gonna regret it," she mumbled as she walked away.

Itachi stood a ways away from the water, never letting go of the cat, Whiskers. Tobi was building a sandcastle. Hidan fell asleep. Kakuzu and Sasori saw this and decided to bury him. They buried him up to his neck so only his head was sticking out of the sand. Hidan, unfortunately for him, never woke up. Since Sasori wasn't paying him any attention, Deidara tried to show of to the lifeguards, who were quite disturbed with Deidara's little show (I won't go into detail).

After about an hour, Pein decided he better get up and check on everyone. When he sat up he noticed every uncovered inch of him was beet red. Pein started swearing his head off, when he noticed Kisame paddling out in the water.

Pein wondered what Kisame could be doing out so far. He noticed Itachi standing next to him.

"Itachi, what's Kisame doing?" Pein asked.

Itachi activated his sharingan. "Oh god," Itachi said.

"What's he doing?" Pein asked.

"A shark," Itachi replied.

"Not again!" Pein yelled, he grabbed a stick and waded out into the ocean. When he reached Kisame he began wailing on him with the stick.

"No Leader, don't!" Kisame shouted.

The rest of Akatsuki took notice and watched Pein retrieve Kisame.

"Beach time over," Pein announced, dragging Kisame onto the shore in a giant net.

**A Few Miles Later**

After the Akatsuki's first attraction, they drove on to whatever would come their way.

And what should they happen to pass but SeaWorld.

Kisame looked at Pein with big, watery eyes, but Pein would never be fooled by something like that.

"No Kisame, I think you go enough at the beach," Pein said and then continued to grumble, "Fucking, horny shark."

Kisame sighed, "Ok Leader," he said dejectedly. Pein wondered why he gave up so easily, but decided to think nothing of it.

They drove of few more miles in relative peace until a shout of surprise came from Tobi in the back.

"What is it Tobi?" Pein asked.

"Kisame just got flushed out of the van!" Tobi said.

"_What?_" Pein shouted, stomping on the brakes.

"Now, he's running for SeaWorld…he reached the gate…now he jumped the turnstile…he just got tackled by the security guards…oh…he's fighting back…now the security guards brought out the tear gas…he got hit! He's recovered…now he's making a run for it…and he's in," Tobi said like a sports announcer, "Looks like he threw them some money."

Noooo!" Kakuzu cried in despair.

Pein sighed and turned around, going into the parking lot of SeaWorld. The group entered see world to see a giant WANTED poster with their pictures on it.

"That must be from last time we were here and Kisame impregnated Shamu," Konan said.

A Sea World employee walked over to them and looked between them and the poster. "Hey, aren't you the guys on that poster?" he asked.

"N-no, we're…cosplayers," Deidara said.

The guy shrugged and walked off.

"Good save homo," Pein said, "Okay, now we need to find Kisame and the best way would be to stick togeth," Pein looked around to see every was gone, "er."

"So, where do you want to look?" Konan asked.

"Konan! You didn't leave!" Pein said, glad _someone_ didn't abandon him.

"Yeah…well…I don't like water," Konan said.

"Ok, so if I was a horny fish man in Sea World where would I go…?" Pein wondered.

"_Attention guests, the Shamu show will be starting in five minutes." _

"Of course," Pein said. The two went over to where the show was being held to find the rest of the Akatsuki (except Kisame) there. Pein and Konan sat with them and Pein got his harpoon.

The lady working the show came out looking a little nervous, "I'm sorry everyone, but the show has been cancelled due to some…difficulties," she said.

The Akatsuki got up and went over to the tank Shamu was in.

"That thing better be on a trampoline," Pein said, seeing the bouncing Shamu, but of course it was Kisame.

"Good thing I got this harpoon. It's equipped with the equivalent of twenty elephant tranquilizers," Pein informed the others.

"Isn't that a bit much?" Konan asked.

"I'm more worried about it not being enough," Pein said. He aimed the harpoon and shot Kisame, the fish man dropped like a rock.

"We're leaving," Pein said, grabbing Kisame and dragging him away.

**-A Few Hours Later-**

"Leader-sama, I have to go to the bathroom," Tobi whined a few hours later.

"Fine, I guess we can stop for a bathroom break," Pein said, pulling into a conveniently placed rest stop. The Akatsuki got out and Pein made them line up. "Ok listen up, now is the time to use the restroom, gets snacks or have sex. I'm not going to stop again an hour later. And for the love of god, watch Tobi," Pein said, "Go nuts."

The group dispersed and Pein stood, leaning against the RV to await their return. A few minutes later, Hidan and Kakuzu walked over. Pein noticed Hidan had a chocolate bar in his hand and his eyes widened. After two bites, Hidan went to throw away the chocolate bar.

"No!" Pein yelled, pointing at Hidan Phoenix Wright style, "Finish it!"

"But…last time," Hidan said. Pein recalled the incident from last time when he made him finish his Big Mac.

"Fine, save it for later," Pein compromised.

Next, Sasori walked over looking particularly annoyed.

"What's up?" Pein asked.

"I lost my freakin' penis again. Sometimes I wish I didn't turn myself into a puppet," Sasori said, "Now Deidara's going to bitch at me."

"Where is he?" Pein asked, noticing that everyone was here, but the explosion happy blonde. Just as he said that, Deidara came shuffling over. His cloak was ripped and hair full of braids.

"Dei, what happened?" Sasori asked, going to comfort his boyfriend.

"Truckers…" Deidara said, shaking a little.

"They raped you?" Sasori asked.

"Yes, I thought they'd stop when they say I was a boy," Deidara said.

"What did they do?" Sasori asked.

"They went faster," Deidara whispered.

"I knew this would happen," Pein said, shaking his head.

"Deidara would get raped and braided by truckers?" Hidan asked.

"Not exactly that, but close enough," Pein told him, "Well, we better get going. Deidara you can get the couch since you were raped."

"Leader-sama, what happened to Deidara?" Tobi asked.

"He…um…wrestled…with some truckers," Pein told him.

"You mean like Sasori and Deidara do?" Tobi asked.

Pein turned to glare at the guilty looking Sasori and Deidara. "You had sex in front of the child?" he asked, through clenched teeth.

"He walked in," Sasori said.

Pein just scowled and pulled back unto the highway.

**-Break-**

A few miles later, Pein noticed that they were nearing Six Flags. _'Please don't notice, please don't notice, please don't-' _Pein mentally begged.

"Leader, can we go to Six Flags?" Tobi asked.

'_Damn.'_

"No, we can't," Pein said. _'Yes fight the power!'_

Tobi leaned close to Pein, activating his sharingan. "We're going to Six Flags," he said in his Madara voice.

"We're going to Six Flags," Pein said, turning into the parking lot.

When they entered the park, Pein thought he should lay out the ground rules. "Listen guys, I don't want to be here forever so it's best we stick together," he said. When he looked up he noticed everyone was already gone, "Not again!"

Pein decided to walk around and hopefully check up on them in case they were doing anything illegal. Just after a few minutes of walking around, a scared Tobi ran up to him.

"What's wrong Tobi?" Pein asked, "Did you forget how to use the toilet again?"

Tobi couldn't say anything. He just pointed and whined about something, obviously very upset.

Pein had to just guess. "Was anyone…wrestling?" he asked, and Tobi shook his head, "Did Kakuzu take your money?" No. "Did you get lost?" No. "Did Hidan eat something?" No. "Did someone touch you?" Tobi got more upset, meaning yes.

Pein frowned and looked around. He noticed Sasori and Deidara pass by and grabbed the puppet. "Where did they touch you?" he asked, using Sasori as a kind of map. Tobi pointed at Sasori's crotch to which Deidara said, "That's mine."

Pein scowled, "Show me where he is Tobi," he commanded. Tobi lead them over to where he was molested, collecting all the other Akatsuki members along the way. Tobi stopped and pointed to the guy in the Snoopy costume.

"Snoopy touched you?" Pein asked and Tobi nodded. All the other Akatsuki members cracked their knuckles and stalked over to Snoopy and they proceeded to beat the crap out of him. Realizing that they couldn't do much damage with him in a costume, Pein took off the head to find…

"Orochimaru?!"

"Hey guys, what up? May I ask why you're all beating on me?" Orochimaru asked.

"Well, you molested Tobi," Pein said.

"Oh, well I didn't know he was in your group," Orochimaru said.

Pein leaned in close to Orochimaru, "You know, he's really like…hundreds of years old," he said.

"But…he acted like…oh god! Oh god!" Orochimaru ran away, probably to go rape Sasuke to make himself feel better.

"Well, that's that. Let's go," Pein said and lead the group back to the van…after dragging Deidara out of the girl's restroom.

**That's part one. This thing is hella long so it's going to be in probably two parts. Please review the crack. **


	6. Road Trip Part 2

Hooray

**Hooray! More crack! Anyways, here's the second part of Road Trip. Oh, the fun we will have.**

**Akatsuki Road Trip**

"Maybe camping isn't such a good idea, un," Deidara said, looking around their campsite in the woods. No beauty supplies, beds or sex shops for miles.

"Suck it up, damn," Pein mumbled, "You can handle on night camping."

"Well, at least I brought my tent, un," Deidara said, reaching into his purse, ahem, bag and taking out a small cube shaped object. "I suggested you all step back," Deidara advised. Everyone walked away except Hidan who stood right over the object.

"What are you talking about?" he asked, "This thing's-" Deidara pushed the button and out of the small cube became an extravagant, house sized tent.

"What happened to Hidan?" Deidara asked, looking around. They all entered the tent to see a Hidan shaped bump under the tent along with the sounds of muffled swearing. Pein ran over with his camera and snapped a picture. "Ok, let him out," he said.

"So we all get to stay in here," Kisame asked.

Deidara snorted, "Oh _hell_ no," he said, "This is for me and Sasori-danna." He grabbed his danna and ran inside. "Oh and remember: If the tent's a rockin, don't come knockin," he said, and closed the flap.

"Tobi, if you need something tonight, come to me and not Deidara," Pein told Tobi.

"Ok, Leader-sama," Tobi said.

While Sasori and Deidara did their version of camping, the rest of the Akatsuki put up their normal sized tents and made a fire to sit around and eat. Hidan reached for a smore, but Pein smacked his hand.

Just before everyone was about to retire, there was a girly shriek from Deidara's tent and Deidara yelling "Katsu!" before the tent exploded.

"What happened?!" Pein asked, seeing a charred Sasori and Deidara sitting where the tent used to be.

"There was a bug," Sasori said, rolling his eyes and then glaring at Deidara.

"It was trying to get in my hair, un," Deidara whined.

Pein sighed, "Fine," he said, "You can share my tent, but _no sex_."

Awww.

**-Break-**

"Now where, dare I ask, are we going?" Pein asked.

"Hee hee, we're going skiing," Deidara said, waving his hand in a girly fashion.

"Why are you doing that?" Pein asked, eyeing the blonde's fluttering hand.

"I just painted my nails, un," Deidara said.

"For the love of Jashin, why are you painting your nails. You're a man aren't you," Pein asked, a vein in his forehead popping out.

"Leader, we're supposed to paint our nails," Sasori pointed out.

"Huh, oh yeah, I forgot," Pein said.

They reached the cabin they were to stay in and unloaded all their belongings.

"So are we going skiing?" Deidara asked, looking around at the lazing Akatsuki members.

"Fuck that, we'll do it tomorrow," Pein said, popping some Advil. He looked around to make sure everyone was accounted for; hoping one of them had somehow died on the climb up. "Where's Kisame?" Pein asked, not seeing the fish man anywhere.

"Wasn't there a fish above the mantle?" Itachi asked.

"Motherfucker," Pein muttered. He got up off the couch, but before he could even reach his bat, the cabin began shaking violently. There was a giant 'poof' sound and the place stilled.

"It's a big wall of white," Tobi said, looking out the window.

"I heard that," Kisame said from upstairs.

Pein also looked out the window and his eyes widened. Kisame's humping had caused an avalanche and they were now snowed in. Pein stomped upstairs and attempted to open the door of the room Kisame was in, but it was locked up tight. "Kisame, get out," Pein commanded.

"No," Kisame said, obviously scared.

"I hope you know this is the worst thing you're humping has gotten us into," Pein shouted and stopped to think, "Second!"

**-A few days later-**

The Akatsuki sat around a fire trying to get warm. Kisame had already been beaten up several times by Pein.

"This is bad we're running out of food," Pein said.

"_You're_ running out of food," Zetsu corrected.

**-Freedom!-**

"Can we go home now, please?" Pein asked, as they drove along the highway.

"No, we haven't finished the list," Deidara said.

"Oh, bite me," Pein growled.

"I only bite Sasori, rawr," Deidara said and giggled.

Pein groaned, "Where are we going again?" he asked.

"The zoo," Tobi reminded him.

"Fucking terrific," Pein mumbled.

Once they reached the zoo, Pein once again made them all line up to set the rules.

"Watch Tobi, no humping, no food for Hidan, no taking home any animals and no sex in the bathrooms, train, bird house, fountain, gift shop, picnic tables or cages to make things more interesting," Pein said, looking pointedly at Sasori and Deidara.

"Wow, he covered everything, un," Deidara said.

The group separated and Pein walked around looking for any disruption caused by Akatsuki. He was passing by the aquarium when he noticed a large crowd was gathered around it. Pein went to see what the commotion was about when who did he see in the tank, but Kisame. He made his way through the crowd and tapped on the glass.

"Hey, you're not supposed to…hi Leader," Kisame said, looking sheepishly at Pein.

"Where's Itachi? He was supposed to be watching you?" Pein said, after forcing Kisame out of the fish tank.

"I don't know he just wandered off somewhere," Kisame said.

"I'll go find him, you go wait in the RV and if I see any more humping from you I'll cut off your dick…both of them," Pein threatened.

Kisame ran off to the RV and Pein went to look for Itachi. "Now if I was Itachi, where would I go…?" Pein asked himself, "I can't even think of a birthday present for him, how am I supposed to know where he'd be?" He passed the tiger caged and glanced in and noticed Itachi was in there. He was sitting in the middle of the cage surrounded by four tigers that looked perfectly content.

Pein eventually was able to pry Itachi and Whiskers away from the tigers and take them to the RV where the rest of the Akatsuki was waiting. They were about to pile into the RV, but Pein stopped them. "Tobi, open your cloak," Pein said. Tobi did as he was told and one of each animal in the zoo ran out.

"Ok, let's go."

**-Break-**

"Where to now?" Pein asked.

"To an anime convention," Deidara said, looking at his list.

"No way, there's cosplaying there and that stuff freaks me out," Pein said.

"Please Pein," Deidara asked.

"Fine," Pein gave in.

Pein looked around skeptically when they got there. "What's with all the girls dressed as guys making out?" Pein asked.

"Oh yeah, forgot to mention, this is yaoi-con," Konan said.

"You shitting me?" Pein asked and Konan shook her head. Sasori and Deidara gasped in joy and ran off to do god knows what.

"What's yaoi, Leader?" Tobi asked.

"I'll tell you later Tobi, now cover your eye," Pein said.

"I can't imagine how much money they're going to spend," Kakuzu mumbled, clutching his wallet.

"It's not so great," Konan said, looking around, "OH. MY.GOD! Kyouya X Tamaki doujinshi!" She ran off and Pein smacked his forehead.

"Hey, it's Maiko Tsunami!" Kisame said, also walking away.

Before Pein could move, Sasori and Deidara returned carrying bags of merchandise. "Look Leader, we got a yaoi paddle," Deidara said, holding it up, "Want to see how it works?"

"Oh, god, no," Pein said, cringing in disgust.

"This is great," Sasori said, "We should come here every year."

**-Break-**

"One more stop," Deidara said, checking the list.

"Seriously?" Pein asked, barely believing his ears.

"Yeah, so in celebration, we thought we'd go to a bar," Deidara said.

"No."

"What? Why not?" everyone asked.

"I don't want Tobi in a bar," Pein said, fearing for his innocence.

"He'll be fine Leader. Come on, it's the last one," Hidan said.

"Well, fine," Pein said, "After this we're going straight home."

They reached the bar, but Pein thought there was something odd about it. There were a lot of men and leather and grinding. Suddenly a song began playing overhead. "This sounds strangely familiar…" Pein said.

"YOU! I wanna take you to a gay bar!"

"Shit," Pein mumbled.

"I'm home," Deidara said, tears in his eyes. Suddenly he ripped off his cloak revealing tight leather short-shorts, a net shirt, net stocking, leather arm warmers and leather platform boots.

"DAAAMMMN," Sasori said, and followed him onto the dance floor.

"Does he wear that all the time?" Pein asked himself, "Wait…where's Tobi?!" Pein looked around to see Tobi in the middle of the dance floor doing party boy (© Jackass). "Oh come on," Pein said, exasperated. Then he got groped by some random guy.

"Who will help me get them out of here," Pein asked, "Kakuzu!" He looked around only to find Kakuzu dragging Hidan into the bathroom, placing a sign that read 'Be Right Back, Raping Hidan' on the door. Pein looked around some more and saw Sasori and Deidara practically having dry sex on the dance floor. "I would bend over in disgust if I wasn't so worried about getting groped," Pein said.

Itachi sat at the bar with his cat, ignoring all the men hitting on him. When someone bumped into him, he turned around and was face to face with his little brother.

"Oh, sorr-" Sasuke started to say, but paused.

"What're you doing in a gay bar?" they asked in unison.

A pause.

"I dig techno," Sasuke said.

"Hey Sasuke…heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey," Orochimaru randomly walked over and checked out Itachi, "How's it going Itachi?"

"Hn," Itachi grunted.

"How's it been. I've been training you're little brother over here…he's quite…kukuku…nice," Orochimaru said.

"See what I'm doing for you?!" Sasuke said between clenched teeth.

"Hey, Itachi, if you weren't busy maybe we could…who is _that_ young looking man?" Orochimaru asked and stalked away chuckling evilly.

"So, wantmetobuyyouadrinkorsomething?"Itachi asked.

"What?" Sasuke asked.

"Huh? What? I was talking to the cat."

**-Lair Sweet Lair-**

"Hey Leader, can we-"

"No," Pein said.

"Please?"

Pein sighed, "Fine," Pein said, "Ask me tomorrow."

**The End**

**Yay! The next adventure will be coming up soon! Hopefully! Please review. **


	7. Enter Deidara

Enter Deidara

**Before I start, I have a surprise for you all, kinda. A chance to meet me! I'll be going to Ikasucon 2008 in Fort Wayne, Indiana. I don't know which day yet, but I'll be there so if anyone's going maybe we'll see each other. If I Cosplay at all, I'll probably be Teru Mikami from Death Note, if not I'll probably have my Deidara t-shirt that I made that says 'Art is a Bang' on the front and has an Akatsuki cloud on the back. It'll be my first con and I don't know how difficult it would be to find me, but if any of you are going let me know, I'd love to meet any of my readers.**

**Enter Deidara**

It was just another normal day for our favorite evil doers, the Akatsuki. Pein was reading the newpaper, Konan was attempting to make breakfast, Tobi was watching Spongebob, Zetsu was photosynthesizing, Deidara and Sasori were cuddling on the couch, Itachi was petting Whiskers the cat, Kisame was making out with a fish, Kakuzu was counting the money and Hidan was swearing and whining. Yep, just another ordinary day.

"Hey, you guys remember when I first joined Akatsuki?" Deidara suddenly asked.

"No, I block out all negative memories…who are you guys again?" Pein asked, but unfortunately for him, he was joking.

"I remember it like it was yesterday…" Deidara said, "Leader-sama was flipping though resumes after Orochimaru left and-"

"How do you even know that? You weren't there," Pein said.

"Shhhhh! I'm telling a story!" Deidara said, "Now where was I…"

_-Flashback-_

"Goddamn Itachi, why must he scare away all our members," Pein said, exasperated.

"At least it was just Orochimaru, he was creepy and I think he had a thing for little boys," Konan said, "Speaking of new members, we should get another female member."

"I don't know," Pein said unsure.

"What was that?" Konan asked, glaring at him.

"We should totally get another female member and I'm not sexist at all," Pein said.

"Good," Konan said, "Now have you found anyone?"

"There's one that looks good," Pein said, picking up a sheet of paper he had put off to the side, "Deidara, Female, blonde, nineteen (A/N I'm estimating his age), likes blowing things up."

"She sounds good," Konan said.

"Then we'll go get her," Pein said, "_Itachi, Kisame and Sasori, get in here!_"

The three trooped into the room, looking annoyed at being taken away from their usual activities.

"You guys are the ones picking up the new member," Pein said, "Here's her location and resume."

Itachi took the paper and nodded. Then the three left to pick up the newest Akatsuki member.

_-Break-_

"Is that her?" Kisame asked, seeing a blonde haired woman standing a distance away.

Itachi looked at the description, "Yep, that's her."

"Excuse me, we're here to recruit you for Akatsuki," Kisame said.

Deidara turned around and looked confusedly at them, "What?" she (?) said in a deep manly voice.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Kisame screamed, Itachi's eyes widened and Sasori nearly fell over.

"A-are you a man?" Kisame asked.

"Well, duh, un," Deidara said, rolling his eyes and pink bubbly hearts began floating around Sasori.

"Do you have a twin sister or anything?" Itachi asked.

"No, my entire family committed suicide. I have no idea why though," Deidara said.

Kisame and Itachi huddled together. "Should we bring him anyway?" Kisame asked.

"I'm sure it'll be no big deal whether he's a girl or a boy. Knowing Leader he'd probably prefer a boy," Itachi replied.

"What do you think Sasori?" Kisame asked. The two turned to see Sasori in Hiruko moving back and forth.

"What are you doing?" Itachi asked.

"Something's stuck," he mumbled.

"What is?" Kisame asked.

"NOTHING!" Sasori yelled.

"Are you sure you're a man?" Kisame asked, returning his attention to Deidara.

Deidara pulled open his pants and looked down, "Yeah, I'm sure," he said.

"B-but you're," Itachi tried to say.

"Sexy?" Deidara interjected.

"Well, that is…it, let's go," Itachi said. Deidara didn't put up any fight and went happily along. Mostly because he thought Itachi was hot.

_-Break-_

"Ok Leader, we got him," Kisame said, walking into the living room.

"What do you mean him? Are you guys that retarded that you mixed up a guy with a girl?" Pein said. He looked at Deidara in confusion. He pulled out the picture from Deidara's resume and looked between the two, it was a perfect match. "You're a man?" Pein asked.

"Yes, un," Deidara said in a happy and manly voice.

"Fine, let me introduce you to everyone," Pein said, after getting all the Akatsuki to line up.

"I'm first, I'm your Leader. Just call me Leader-sama. Next is Konan, she is second in command and not because she is a women," Pein said, not wanting to get in trouble, "Next is Itachi, don't look him in the eye."

"Why not?" Deidara asked, and once he said that, he fell to the floor.

"That's why," Pein said.

After Deidara regained consciencness Pein continued with the introductions, "This is Kisame, if you seem him with a fish stop him," he said.

"Doing what with a fish?" Deidara asked.

"You'll know," Pein assured, "This is Hidan, he's not allowed to eat anything. Next is Kakuzu, he manages the money."

"Don't worry, I don't spend a lot of money…I think," Deidara said.

"This is Zetsu, if you die; he'll eat your corpse," Pein said, "And lastly is your partner, Sasori. Sasori, why don't you get out of there and introduce yourself to your new partner?"

"One sec," Sasori said and the sound of pants zipping up was heard from inside, Hiruko opened up and Sasori got out.

Deidara's jaw dropped. There was a light shining down on Sasori and there were floral patterns floating around and a halleluiah chorus.

"When did we get a skylight?" Pein asked, looking up at the window the light was streaming in from. "Well, now that you've met, it's time for your first mission together. Your mission it to-"

"Thanks, see ya," Sasori said, and grabbed Deidara's hand to drag him outside.

"Don't you need your puppet?" Pein called.

"NO!" Sasori yelled back.

"Well, at least they're getting along," Pein mused. Just as he said that, the room began shaking. "Kisame!" Pein yelled and the fish man held up his hands, which were empty. Pein stalked over to the door where the shaking was coming from. He opened it and Sasori and Deidara tumbled in, doing…things.

_-Break-_

"Pein," Konan said, entering his office.

"Yes?" Pein asked.

"Didn't you say we were getting a female member?" Konan asked.

"Come on, he's practically a girl! What with the hair and the make-up," Pein claimed.

"So only girls can wear make-up?" Konan asked.

"What is happening?" Pein said. Why can't he ever win?

_-End Flashback-_

"And that's how I got into Akatsuki," Deidara said, "And got with Sasori, un."

"Woo hoo," Pein said, popping his Advil.

**The End**


	8. Zetsu's White Side

So, Zetsu's white and black side must get along being stuck together and all, right

**So, Zetsu's white and black side must get along being stuck together and all, right? Wrong! Because Zetsu's white side is…**

**WARNING!: I CAN'T warn you enough here! This one is a bit racist, all for the sake of comedy. REMEMBER though racism is BAD, everything about it is. Racism, sexism, homophobia all that shit is bad! This is meant to be funny and NOT to offend anyone in ANY way, but we apologize for any offense. **

**Zetsu's White Side**

"Leader, Leader!"

"What is it Zetsu?" Pein asked, peeking at the plant over his morning paper.

"I just found out something horrible about my white side!" the black side said, looking distressed while the white side looked annoyed.

"What is it?" Pein asked, hoping it wasn't some weird plant cannibal thing.

"My white side," the black side said, then paused for dramatic affect, "Is a _white supremacist_!"

"Whoa," Pein said, dropping his paper and standing up, "Not cool white side. We may be psychotic S-class criminals, but we kill and ruin lives indiscriminately."

"I'm glad you said that Leader-sama," Hidan said, getting Pein's attention, "Because I'm not actually part of the Jashin religion. I'm really…Jewish."

"**Get the fuck out of here**." Pein commanded, pointing at the door.

"B-but, you just said…" Hidan said, confused.

"I'm not kidding; I'll kick your ass!" Pein said, taking a few steps toward Hidan. The man took the hint and left. "That's right. No Jews in my organization," Pein said, sitting down.

"Mitzvot!" Hidan yelled from the other room.

"That little-," Pein growled, standing up. All the other Akatsuki members had to restrain Pein from going after Hidan.

**-Break-**

Pein and Konan entered the base after grocery shopping, dropping the bags on the counter.

"What's all the commotion in there?" Pein asked, hearing noises coming from the living room.

"I don't know why don't you go check?" Konan asked.

"I was just about to," Pein said and opened the door to the living room, "What the hell?!" The room was filled with KKK members.

"Leader, thank god you're here," Deidara cried, running over to Pein, "These guys seem to want to kill me and Sasori. Maybe it's because of our good looks."

Pein sighed and went to the middle of the room, getting everyone's attention, "Listen guys, I don't want any racist crap going on here, but feel free to take the gay and the Jewish one," he said.

"Pein!" Konan yelled from the kitchen.

"Never mind, you all leave," Pein said pointing at the door.

"Leader, we're in the middle of a meeting," Zetsu's white side said, while the black side looked pissed.

"I don't care, I want them out," Pein yelled.

"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyy!" (A/N for future reference, every time there is a long 'hey' that's going to by Oro)

"Oh god," Pein mumbled, "What the heck do you want Orochimaru?"

"White power!" the KKK members said happily, seeing the literally white Orochimaru.

"Why are these guys here, Leader? I thought you hated racists," Orochimaru said.

"They weren't invited and they were just _leaving_," Pein said.

The KKK 'aww'ed and began leaving. One's mask fell off.

"Hyuuga?" Pein asked, seeing the one and only Neji.

"Oh hey, can you do me a favor and not tell anyone in Konoha about this?" Neji asked.

"No problem," Pein assured.

When everyone (including Orochimaru) left, Pein sat down to talk with Zetsu.

"What's up with this, guys? You used to be so close," Pein said.

"It's not my fault by other half is below me," the white side of Zetsu said.

"Cracker!" the black said retaliated. Both sides stared at each other, making him look cross eyed. The two sides simultaneously pulled out guns and held it to the other's head.

"Whoa, hang on guys!" Pein said, getting up "Why don't you put the gun-."

"Don't come any closer man! We'll blow our brains out!" Zetsu said.

"Hold on, we can think of a compromise. Just listen to what I have to say," Pein said and the two slowly lowered their weapons, "Ok; you two can make racist comments, just no violence. We'll split your food between black and white and you each can eat at Kentucky Fried Chicken or Denny's whenever you want."

Both were quiet for a second. "I guess that's good." "'S'all good, dawg."

"There, now that's much better," Pein said and the three shook hands.

**-But…-**

"Pein, I think you need to apologize to Hidan," Konan said the next day.

"Why would I apologize to him?" Pein asked.

"You yelled at him."

"Fine."

"Good, come in Hidan."

Hidan walked in wearing a cloak covered in the Star of David rather than Akatsuki clouds. Pein's eye twitched in anger.

"Now what were you going to say?" Konan asked.

"I'm sorry you're a dirty, greedy Jew. Goodbye," Pein said and stomped out of the room, slamming the door.

**Once again, sorry for the bad, bad racism. It's not cool though people. Ignorance sucks! Please review. **


	9. Restaurant

Restaurant

**Restaurant **

"Leader-sama?"

"Goddammit," Pein mumbled, lowering his morning paper to look at the other Akatsuki members, "What could you possibly want?"

"Can we go out to dinner today?" Deidara, the Akatsuki's democratically elected spokesperson, asked.

"Why, dare I ask?"

"Well, I really don't want to cook," Konan said.

"And no one wants to eat what you cook," Pein said, earning him a glare.

"And we have the money," Deidara added.

"No we don't," Kakuzu interjected.

"Come on, it's not like we're going to go broke," Pein said (Spoiler alert).

"So can we go?"

"Are you going to give up or do you really want me to give you all the reasons why we shouldn't go?"

"Please, we want to go to The Olive Garden?" Deidara said.

"The Olive Garden?"

"Yeah, The Olive Garden."

"You mean, Olive Garden?"

"No, The Olive Garden."

"Olive Garden."

"The Olive Garden."

"It's Olive Garden!"

"The Olive Garden."

"You know what? We can go if you stop calling it The Olive Garden," Pein said.

"Fine, Olive Garden," Deidara said.

"Ok, let's go," Pein said.

After getting everyone into the van and setting out to Olive Garden, Pein decided to set down some rules.

"Ok, here are the rules. They are simple. Hidan, no eating, Kakuzu, no dine and dashing, Zetsu, you're dinner can be the waiter, and Sasori and Deidara I'm going to be real lenient here, no sex. You can grope and fondle each other all you want, just no sex. Sound good?"

"Yeah," everyone replied, some a bit more reluctantly than others.

When they reached the restaurant and got inside, the hostess was ready to seat them right away.

"We have eight adults and one child," Pein said.

The hostess looked at each one confused.

"Obviously this one," Pein said, pointing at Tobi, who was a taller than some of the other members, "He wants a booster seat, crayons and a coloring mat, understand?"

"Of course," the hostess said, nervously, "I'll show you to your seats."

They all sat down; Tobi was the highest because he was in his booster seat. Hidan reached for the breadsticks, but Pein smacked his hand.

"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey."

The Akatsuki members looked at the table next to theirs, Orochimaru was having a candlelit dinner with Sasuke. Kabuto was sitting in a corner a few tables away, looking depressed.

"Hi Orochimaru," they all said monotonously.

"It's been awhile," Orochimaru said.

"You mean yesterday?" Pein asked.

"Yeah, it feels like forever. Come on Sasuke." Orochimaru grabbed the Uchiha and dragged him over to the Akatsuki's table, squeezing into two extra seats. "Man, it's so funny running into you guys here! Hey Sasori," Orochimaru said, checking out the puppet.

Deidara made a pissed girl noise, and flipped his hair repeatedly.

"Careful of the drinks," Pein said, trying to avoid Deidara's swishing hair.

Everyone calmed down a bit when their waiter came over. "Good evening everyone, I'll be you're waiter today. Does anyone want anything to drink?"

"Yes, I'll have some wine," Konan said.

"And it begins," Pein said, resting his head on the table.

"And any appetizers?" the waiter asked.

"No, just the drinks," Pein said. The waiter nodded and went to get their beverages.

…

"Orochimaru, that's **my** leg," Pein said, annoyed.

"Oh, sorry," Orochimaru said and continued searching.

"My leg," Hidan said.

"My leg," Sasori said.

"**What**?!" Deidara yelled, standing up. Pein grabbed Deidara's arm and made him sit down.

"Sorry," Orochimaru said.

"My leg again," Pein said, becoming annoyed.

"You got it," Sasuke said.

"Ow! Fuck, who kicked me?" Orochimaru asked.

"Wasn't me," Itachi said.

The waiter returned to order their food.

"Before we start, no food for him, and no fish for him," Pein said, pointing at Hidan, then Kisame, "Orders."

"Why can I never eat?" Hidan asked.

"You never finish it."

"I'll have the fish," Kisame said.

"He'll have a salad," Pein told the waiter.

"I'll have sausage," Orochimaru said, wriggling his eyebrows at Sasuke, who was looking annoyed.

"Whiskers wants salmon," Itachi said, stroking the cat.

"So the cat can have fish, but I can't?" Kisame asked.

"Whiskers doesn't hump the fish," Pein said, "What do you want Tobi?"

"Umm…I'll have fries," Tobi said, looking at the kids menu, perplexed, "And…a cheeseburger and a toy."

"I'm sorry, we don't have any toys," the waiter said.

"Did he ask if you had any toys?" Pein asked the waiter menacingly, "I don't care if you have to run to the Toys R Us next door. You'll get him his toy."

"Yes sir," the waiter said.

"I'm next," Deidara said, "I want pasta, but no green noodles. The other colors are fine, but no green. Also I want the dressing on the side, and not too many onions. I don't really like onions." The waiter's pencil had smoke coming out of it from writing so much.

"I don't eat," Sasori said to the waiter when he looked at him.

"What do you want Kakuzu?" Pein asked.

"I had some saltine crackers before I got here. I'll be fine," Kakuzu said.

"I'll have a Caesar salad," Konan said.

"I'll order mine later," Zetsu said.

"And I'll have the steak," Pein said.

"Ok, you're orders should be done shortly," the waiter said.

A few minutes later, their food came and they began eating. And you know what this calls for? Small talk.

Fuck.

"So Sasori how's the wood these days?" Orochimaru asked, jokingly.

"That's it!" Deidara yelled and dived across the table to tackle Orochimaru. Deidara began trying to scratch Orochimaru's eyes out.

Konan looked at Pein who just looked at her and nodded before he continued to eat as if nothing was wrong. Pein finished eating and raised his hand, "Check please!" he said. While in the background Deidara and Orochimaru continued scratching at each other and pulling at each other's hair. Sasori tried hard to hide his nosebleed, the blood streaming steadily from his nose down his face.

The waiter brought over their check and Pein looked it over. "Who ordered the pasta?" he demanded, "Ok Kakuzu, I need-," Pein turned to look at Kakuzu's now empty seat, "Dammit!" Pein looked outside and saw Kakuzu sitting in the van, "That bastard had all the wallets." Pein walked over to the catfight and pushed Orochimaru away. "Deidara, we have no money. You know what to do," Pein said and Deidara smiled.

"And you guys wanted to go to dinner," Pein said, as the group left the restaurant. They walked to their van with the restaurant exploding behind them and Zetsu was carrying his waiter.

**End**


	10. Akatsuki Goes Broke

Akatsuki Goes Broke

**Akatsuki Goes Broke**

Once again it was a normal day in Akatsuki. Pein was reading the paper, Konan was reading a book on feminism, Zetsu was eating leftovers, Tobi was playing with Gundams, Sasori and Deidara were making out on the loveseat, Hidan was doing a sacrifice, Itachi was watching CSI Miami and Kisame was humping the fish tank.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Suddenly, Kakuzu ran into the room and began beating up Deidara. Pein saw this and smiled slightly.

Konan looked at the leader strangely. "Pein do something," she said.

"Fine, ruin my fun," Pein said, he walked over to Kakuzu and tried to stop him. Once Leader put his hand on Kakuzu's shoulder, the man turned around and started wailing on Kisame.

"Pe-Leader, do something!" Konan said, as Kakuzu ripped off one of Sasori's arms and started beating Deidara over the head with it.

Pein's smile fell, "Fine, ruin all my fun," he mumbled. Pein walked over to the rampaging Kakuzu and smacked him. "What's wrong?"

"We're broke!" Kakuzu said.

Pein smacked him again.

"What was that for?"

"You're in charge of the finances!" Pein said.

"Don't blame me! Blame them!" Kakuzu said, pointing at the other Akatsuki members, "Look at these bills!"

Pein took the long sheet of paper from Kakuzu and examined it. "What is this water bill?!"

"I didn't know water cost money," Deidara said.

"And all this lube?! Can't you use spit or something for your homo sex?" Pein yelled.

"Stop calling it that," Sasori said.

"That gets old and lube has all kinds of cool flavors," Deidara said.

"And for Tobi's innocence, we won't continue," Pein said, "And all this fish! A koi pond?! Seriously?!"

"What bitch ordered that?" Kisame asked.

Pein continued through the list, "And what's with the-oh, never mind."

"No Leader, go ahead," Kakuzu said.

"Fine, piercings," Pein mumbled.

"How can you even get anymore if your face is-ooohhhh!" Deidara said.

"I like piercings okay?" Pein said.

"Hey I have a few too Leader, wanna see?" Deidara asked, preparing to pull down his pants.

"No! Keep your pants on…for once," Pein said, "So we have no money at all?"

"Not a cent," Kakuzu said, "We have to sell the house and our possessions too."

"Shit…alright. Does anyone have any family we could live with?" Pein asked, "Itachi?"

"Killed mine."

"Kisame?"

"Abandoned."

"I can see that…Sasori."

"Puppets."

"Deidara?"

"Suicide…still don't know why."

"I can see that too. Zetsu?"

"Ate them."

"Kakuzu?"

"Sold 'em."

"Tobi?"

"…"

"Hidan?"

"Well, it an interesting story actually, you see-."

"Okay, shut up. And Konan and I are orphans. Man…we're freaks," Pein said.

"Well, where can we go? We don't have the money for a hotel," Konan said.

"There is no where we can go," Kakuzu said.

"No!" Pein said, slamming his fist on the coffee table, "There is one place, but I don't know if it's worth it."

"Well, what is it?" Konan asked.

**-??-**

_Ding, dong_

"One sec Sasuke, got to get the door," Orochimaru said, donning his shorter than necessary robe.

"Close the robe old man!" Sasuke called from the bedroom where he was, sadly for him, tied up.

"Yeah, yeah," Orochimaru mumbled, tying his robe shut. Orochimaru opened the door and saw the Akatsuki standing there. "Heeeeee-," he started to say, raising his arms.

"No!" Pein said, pushing his arms back down, "Keep the arms down."

"Weird timing you guys, I was just about to bone Sasuke," Orochimaru said.

At that, Pein turned around, but Konan stopped him from trying to leave.

"So, why are you here? What's wrong with Kakuzu?" Orochimaru asked, seeing Kakuzu lying on the ground with a bottle of whiskey and ignoring Deidara glaring at him.

"That's just it, we went broke," Pein said.

Orochimaru gasped and covered his mouth with his hand.

"Don't do that…so we were wondering…if we could live with you," Pein said begrudgingly.

"Of course! My house is you house," Orochimaru said, throwing his arms around Pein.

"Erm…." Pein grunted and looked between them.

"Oh sorry," Orochimaru said, "Come in, come in." Orochimaru led them inside, "Sasuke, we have company! Put some clothes on!"

"I'm tied to the bed, dumbass!" Sasuke yelled.

"On sec," Orochimaru said, and ran into the other room. Pein tried to leave again, but Konan stopped him.

"Now put some clothes on," Orochimaru said, and rejoined the Akatsuki.

"Why don't you put some clothes?" Pein asked.

"Silly, I don't have any clothes," Orochimaru said.

Sasuke entered in his manwhore outfit, "What are these freaks doing here?" he asked.

"Yeah, we're the freaks," Pein said.

"Well, the Akatsuki here went broke," Orochimaru said with a strange, girly hand movement.

"Ha," was Sasuke's response.

"So they're going to live with us," Oro finished.

"What?" Sasuke asked.

"Yeah," Orochimaru said, "Now, we have some rules here. First, no touching anything in jars, those are important. Second, I don't care about sex, you can do it wherever and whenever you want. Third, no straight crap here, which means no women." He leaned in and wagged his finger at Konan, "No women," Konan poked Orochimaru in the eye. "Ow, okay. Lastly, and I can't stress this enough! Leave the children in the cages, no mater how much they cry or beg or 'I want my parent, I want water and food, I want to see sunlight again' No." Konan looked absolutely horrified with the last rule. "Yeah, like you're normal," Orochimaru said to her, "With your vagina…ok, who wants breakfast?"

Orochimaru led them into the kitchen.

"You cook?" Pein asked.

"Of course not, Kabuto does," Orochimaru said, pointing to Kabuto in a pink apron, "Go faster, bitch! Try not to fail like you do at everything else. Go kill yourself…after you finish breakfast."

Everyone sat down at the table. Breakfast was served and everyone began eating. Things looked well so Orochimaru left to god knows where, a few minutes later though, he reappeared…with no clothes. Everyone in the Akatsuki was visibly disturbed.

Pein looked down at his sausage, "You ruined them!" he said, knocking them off the table and resting his head on the table.

"Here's a warning, Orochimaru doesn't wear clothes in the morning…or at night, or the afternoon, or holidays, or birthdays, or-," Sasuke said, as he continued Orochimaru's tongue began wrapping around his body, "**Not at the table old man!**"

Orochimaru reluctantly removed his tongue. Itachi, who was watching all this, frowned and easily bent the metal spoon in his grasp.

"Oh, did you need a new spoon Itachi-san?" Kisame asked, "Here you go." He handed the older Uchiha another spoon. Itachi also bent that one. "Oops, here's another one Itachi," Kisame said, giving him another spoon that Itachi also bent. "Okay, here you go Ita-AAHHH!" Kisame went to hand Itachi another spoon, but Itachi bent Kisame's arm instead. "Ah fuck! What's your problem?!"

Breakfast went on peacefully, besides Deidara glaring at Orochimaru with the intent of scratching his eyes out. That is until Sasuke threw a butcher knife at Itachi. The older Uchiha didn't seem to notice.

"Hn, a penny," Itachi said, and bent down to pick it up, making the knife miss him.

Instead the knife hit…Orochimaru! "Whoa, that could've killed me!" Oro said. Never mind, it hit a mirror. (© Simpsons)

**A Few Days Later**

"Hey Orochimaru, I need to run some errands. Can I borrow your van?" Pein asked.

"Suuuuuure," the naked Orochimaru said, pulling his car keys out of no where.

Pein went into the kitchen and grabbed some tongs and then returned and took the keys using the utensil. Pein went to Orochimaru's van and noticed the sign on the side that read 'Free Candy'. Pein just shook his head and got in the car.

**A Few Errands Later**

Pein was driving home when he heard police sirens go off behind him. "Fuck," he murmured under his breath. He pulled over and a policeman walked over to the van.

"Hello, officer," Pein said cheerily, "What seems to be the problem?"

"You were going 60 in a 50 zone," the cop said.

"Oh…" Pein said.

"License and registration please," the officer said.

"I don't have them…officer," Pein said.

"Step out of the van please."

Pein began getting out of the vehicle, "Alright officer, you got to know right now. This is not my car," Pein said as the officer read the 'Free Candy' sign on the side of the van.

"Stay there," the cop commanded, going to the back of the car. Pein crossed his fingers. There was the sound of the back door opening. "Oh my god, you sick freak! What is this?" Pein reluctantly went to the back of the van and looked in to see children chained in cages.

"Listen, I can show you the guy who has these kids AND MORE! I'll even go in your car," Pein said.

"I'm going to need backup," the cop said into his radio.

Pein sighed, "Fuck…"

**-Break-**

Pein walked back into the house, covered in blood.

"What happened?" everyone asked.

"I killed a cop," Pein said.

"How'd that happen?"

"Well, I got pulled over for speeding and since I didn't have a license and registration for the car or a license plate! Not to mention the 'Free Candy' on the side, so he searched the van and guess what he found Orochimaru?"

"The kids?" Orochimaru guessed, "Wait…what did you do to them?"

"I put the dead officer in the back and drove the van off a cliff," Pein said.

"Hey! Those kids were fresh! They might've been in there a few months, but still!" Orochimaru said.

Konan once again looked horrified by all this. "The feelings mutual," Orochimaru said to her.

"I'm going to go wash all this blood off," Pein said. He went to the showers to find the place covered in cameras. At that, Pein snapped. He stomped right out of the room and over to Orochimaru. "You fucking psycho! What is fucking wrong with you?!" By now Orochimaru had stopped paying attention to Pein's rant. He'd heard it all before, "There are cameras in the showers! The least you could do is TRY to fucking hide them! I don't even know why I decided to come here, you freak! I'm going to-,"

Suddenly, Kakuzu ran into the room, doing cartwheels, giving high fives, hugging people and randomly kissing Hidan.

"What's up?" everyone asked.

"I won the lottery!" Kakuzu announced.

"No fucking way!" Pein said happily, the two started hugging and jumping around together happily, "Everyone pack up! We're going home!"

**A Few Hours Later**

"Well, thanks Orochimaru…maybe," Pein said, shaking Oro's hand.

"No problem, Leader. I'll see you tomorrow," Orochimaru said.

Pein was about to ask about that, but Konan pushed him out the door.

"I'll see you later Oro," Deidara said, taking Orochimaru's hands.

"Great, I'll miss you Dei," Orochimaru said.

"What happened here?" Pein asked.

"Well, he went shopping, and talked and we have a lot in common," Deidara said.

"And had a four way," Orochimaru added and Sasori nodded.

"I need more mind soap," Pein said to himself.

Everyone was out the door and ready to leave, the last one to leave was Itachi, who had Whiskers on his head. Orochimaru was about to wave goodbye to him, but Itachi grabbed Orochimaru, lifted him off the ground and shoved him against the wall. "Cut off the crap," he whispered menacingly and let go of Orochimaru before walking casually out the door.

Orochimaru put a hand over his heart, breathing heavily. "What was that about?" he asked himself, "Oh well, hey Sasuke!!"

**The End**


	11. A Haunting

Ok, this from a show on the Discovery Channel called A Haunting

**Ok, this from a show on the Discovery Channel called A Haunting. Its stories about people who see or have ghosts in their homes or whatever, whether they are drug induced or not. It's fun to make fun of. Anyways, while watching it (and saying how the people were on crack) my brother thought it would be funny if the Akatsuki had a ghost so here you go!**

**Akatsuki: A Haunting**

It was once again a normal day at Akatsuki. Pein was reading the paper, Konan was reading Ouran High School Host Club, Itachi was knitting a sweater for Sasuke, Kisame was sitting in the fish tank, Deidara was giving Sasori a lap dance, Hidan was starving, Kakuzu was counting money, Tobi was taking a nap and Zetsu was waiting for the mailman.

Pein looked over his paper at Kisame. "Kisame, get out of the fish tank," he ordered. The fish man scowled and got out, walking towards the door to go to his room. Just before he reached the door, the lamp sitting in the corner flew across the room and hit Kisame, knocking him to the ground.

"What was that?" Konan asked.

"What?" Pein asked, looking up from his paper.

"That lamp just flew across the room and hit Kisame."

"No fucking way! I missed it?"

"Go check and see what it is," Konan commanded.

Pein sighed and walked over to Kisame. Just as he was about to pick up the lamp a chair hit Pein, causing everyone to take notice.

"Alright, who has the big balls around here?!" Pein roared.

"Well," Kisame said, starting to stand up, "I have big balls…" Pein got up and punched Kisame in the face. "Hey! I didn't do it though!"

"What happened?" Pein asked, turning to glare at the other members.

"The chair flew across the room and hit you," Itachi said.

"Right. Well, don't do it again," Pein said and went back to sit. As he went to sit down, Pein jerked forward and his hands flew to his bottom. "Ok, which one of you did it?" Pein asked.

"Did what?" Hidan asked.

"Who just grabbed my ass?" Pein asked.

"Leader, no one grabbed your ass," Deidara said.

"Someone be grabbing my ass," Pein insisted. He sat down and glared at the other members before reluctantly returning to his paper. And the rest of the day went along normally (or as normal as the Akatsuki can be).

**-That Night-**

Pein trudged down the stairs to get a glass of water. He shuffled to the fridge and grabbed a water bottle. Closing the fridge, he looked at the wall next to it and saw blood running down it. "Get in here everyone," Pein called.

The rest of the Akatsuki entered the kitchen looking very sleepy.

"Ok, who's making the walls bleed?" Pein asked. Everyone stayed silent. Pein sighed, "I won't get _mad_, I just want to know who did it," he said, "Zetsu, have you been hiding bodies in the walls…again?" Both sides responded negatively. "Could you do me a favor and maybe clean this up?" Pein asked. Both sides nodded and started licking the blood off the wall.

"Just what I wanted to see before I went to bed," Konan said, tiredly.

"Leader…we think we know what the problem is," Deidara said and everyone nodded.

"What is it?"

"We think…there's a ghost haunting our house," Deidara said.

Pein stared at him for a second before he burst out laughing. "Have you guys been stealing Kakuzu's crack again?" Pein asked.

Everyone looked at Hidan. "Well, I have been lately, but I didn't come up with the ghost theory," Hidan said. (A/N remember kiddies, drugs are bad)

"Come on Leader, it's showing all the signs of a ghost," Deidara said.

"It's probably just a weird jutsu or something, someone pulling a prank on us. Just you wait, in a few days things will be back to normal."

**-A Few Days Later-**

The Akatsuki sat in the living room, furniture was flying, walls were bleeding, and Pein's ass was being grabbed.

"Ok, maybe there is something wrong," Pein said, "But what can we do? We can't fight a ghost."

"Actually, I should have mentioned this before, but I have a friend who is a medium," Deidara said.

"You mean like a psychic?" Pein asked.

"No, a medium, get it right," Deidara said.

Pein looked at him strangely for a second. "Well I'm willing to try anything at this point. Give him a call," he said.

Deidara nodded and got out his pink razor, flipping it open. "Hello...it's Dei…you're still a medium right? Yeah, we have a ghost in the house. Could you take care of it? Ok, great…I told you I'm a man…yes, I'm serious…no, I won't get a sex change…I have a boyfriend…ok, that's fine…bye," Deidara hung up and smiled, "He said yes, but he's going to be bringing a friend along."

"Whatever," Pein said.

_Knock, knock_

"That was fast," Pein commented, going to answer the door, "…Jiraiya?!"

"'Sup, I'm the medium," Jiraiya said.

"So who's you're-," Pein looked down and saw Naruto there eating a bag of chips.

"Naruto, you can go make yourself comfortable. I'm going to go do…medium stuff," Jiraiya said.

"Ok, Ero-sennin," Naruto said and went to sit on the Akatsuki's couch. The Akatsuki members surrounding Naruto all gathered into a circle.

"What do we do? Should we get him?"

"What if it's a trap?"

"Or he could go fox on us."

"And I doubt his mentor will let us get out hands on him."

While the Akatsuki debated about what to do, in the background Naruto was still eating chips. A pillow floated under Naruto's feet and the pillows behind him were fluffed, then the chips began going into Naruto's mouth on their own. Naruto just sat back and enjoyed being served, even though he didn't know how it was happening.

Jiraiya walked into the room and the Akatsuki quit plotting. "It seems you have a ghost," Jiraiya said.

Pein rolled his eyes, _"I can't believe this guy was ever my sensei," _he thought.

"The ghost is male…definitely angry, it attacked me twice and I'm pretty sure he's young. My advice is to get an exorcist," Jiraiya said, "Fifty bucks."

Pein sighed and reached into his pocket, "Got change for a hundred?" he asked.

"Nope," Jiraiya answered, grabbing the money and hightailing it to the door, "Come on Naruto."

"See ya guys," Naruto said, walking past the Akatsuki.

They left and the Akatsuki stood silently. "Waaaaaiiiiiit," Pein said in realization.

"What? You gave him a fifty dollar tip?" Kakuzu asked annoyed.

"No, the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki got away!" Pein said and all the Akatsuki members groaned.

"So who's going to exercise the ghost?" Deidara asked.

"It's exorcise," Pein said, "Now who could we get to exorcise a young, male ghost?"

_Slam_

"Did someone say 'exorcise a young, male ghost'?" Orochimaru asked, breaking into the Akatsuki's home wearing Catholic priest clothing.

"Why'd you become a Catholic priest?" Pein asked.

Orochimaru crossed his arms and gave him a look. "Like you even need to ask," he said.

"Well, can you exorcise him for us?" Pein asked.

"Of course, let's do this." Orochimaru said, taking a deep breath, "…ghost be gone," he said and clapped twice.

"That's it?" Pein asked.

"Is anyone grabbing your ass?"

"…besides you?"

"Yes."

"Than no, and stop it."

"You see?" Orochimaru said, "It worked!" Suddenly, Orochimaru flew across the room and hit the wall.

Orochimaru continued flying around the room, being hit by objects and being swung around by his tongue as the Akatsuki made small talk with each other.

Sasori and Deidara were talking about how the ghost would affect their sex life when Deidara stilled and his eyes turned black.

"What's wrong with Deidara?" Hidan asked, noticing the sudden change in the usually bubbly blonde.

"I think he wants sex…?" Sasori questioned, stepping closer to Deidara. Once they were arms length apart Deidara punched Sasori in the face. Everyone in Akatsuki gasped in shock, and Sasori looked like he was going to have a heart attack.

Deidara's eyes went from black back to blue. "What happened?" he asked.

"You punched Sasori," Pein said.

"So?"

"Not in a sexual way."

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry Sasori-danna," Deidara said, walking closer to the puppet. He was going to hug Sasori, but he ended up punching him again. "Oh no, I didn't mean to do that I swear!" He walked towards Sasori again, but the redhead backed away.

"Pein, don't you think you should do something?" Konan asked.

"Why? This is funny," Pein said.

"He's ruining the house."

"You're right," Pein said, walking into the middle of the room. He held up his hands, "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey," the objects and furniture began to settle down, "Stop it…stop it," the objects and furniture dropped. "Sometimes you just have to put your foot down," Pein said to Konan, who glared at him. "Ghost, appear!" Surprisingly, the ghost listened, "Who're you?" Pein asked.

The ghost looked at him incredulously, "I'm the fourth Hokage, Yondaime, Minato _Namikaze_," he said.

"That's a kickass last name," Pein said.

"I know," Minato agreed.

"So why are you haunting us?" Pein asked.

Minato zeroed in on Tobi, "_Him_," he said menacingly, pointing at him.

Pein looked between the two, confused. "He's just a child," Pein said, gesturing at Tobi.

"No he's not!" Minato said. He tried to attack him, but the other Akatsuki members held him back. Tobi/Madara began dancing around mockingly and giving Minato the finger. "Look at him!" Minato said. Everyone turned around and Tobi cowered in the corner.

"You're trying to attack a defenseless child," Pein said, "Do you have a better reason to haunt us?"

Minato glared at Tobi one last time. "Well, you're trying to kill my son," he said.

"Who's your son?" Pein asked.

"Naruto."

"That kid? Oh I hate him. We just can't seem to catch him. It's like the kid bathes in oil," Pein said, "Anyways, isn't there anyone better for you to haunt?"

"Well, I could always haunt Jiraiya…" Minato said. He was going to take his leave, but Pein stopped him.

"Wait, why were you grabbing my ass?" Pein asked.

"Oh, that's wasn't me. That was the third," Minato said, pointing at the third Hokage.

"Dirty old man. You leave too," Pein said and both ghosts left.

Orochimaru, who was lying on the floor, sat up, "Lell, I gueth I'll thake ly leathe," Orochimaru said, and gathered up his long tongue that was hanging out. He shoved it all in his mouth and waited a second. "Ok, it's staying down. I'll see you guys tomorrow."

Pein was going to ask him about that, but Orochimaru left. "Well, I guess that's it," Pein said, "…who just grabbed my ass?"

**-Break-**

Jiraiya was sleeping soundly in an inn after another tough day of training Naruto and 'researching'. Suddenly, I kick to his head, caused him to drift awake, "Not now, baby," he mumbled. Another kick to the head and he was wide awake, "Hey!" Jiraiya looked up to see Minato standing over him.

"We need to have a talk, _sensei_."

"Fuck."

**The End**

**Also, we don't mean to offend anyone of the Catholic religion or those who believe in ghosts.**


	12. Sasuke's Birthday

adAprilShower: Do you know what today is

**adAprilShower: Do you know what today is?**

**Matt: …Wednesday**

**adAprilShower: Well…yes…but it's also Sasuke's birthday!**

**Matt: Wanna write another Project Akatsuki to torture him?**

**adAprilShower: Sure**

**Sasuke's Birthday**

It was once again another normal day for the Akatsuki. Pein was reading the paper, Konan was thinking about how to organize a feminist group, Deidara and Sasori were flirting, Kakuzu was sewing Hidan's head back on, Zetsu was eating, Tobi was watching TV and Kisame was hitting on a fish ("Hey baby, swim here often? I've seen you at that corner of the tank too…yeah.").

Itachi walked into the room carrying a sack of presents. "Today's Sasuke's birthday. Can we go?" he asked.

"I thought you hated your brother," Pein said, confused.

"So we can go?"

"I never said that…"

"Great, I'll be in the car," Itachi said and went outside and into the van.

**-Break-**

"He's been in there for one hour," Deidara said. All the Akatsuki were lined up, looking out the window at Itachi who was still sitting in the van.

"Think we should go?" Kisame asked.

"No, I don't think so," Pein said, knowing they would be going to (shivers) Orochimaru's.

"Maybe it's important to him," Konan said.

"Here we go," Pein murmured under his breath.

"I say we just humor him and go," Konan added.

"No way."

_Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep_

Everyone looked at Itachi, who was leaning on the car horn.

"Fine, we'll go."

They all went outside and packed into the van.

"What took you so long?" Itachi asked.

"Oh, you know girls and their make up," Pein said, earning him a smack on the head from Konan. "Fine, we didn't know if we cared enough to go with this." Another smack. "I can't win. Lie, truth, can't win."

**-At Orochimaru's-**

_Ding Dong_

"Oh, there's the door. Are you having a good birthday Sasuke?" Orochimaru asked.

"NO!"

"That's great." Orochimaru opened the door and smiled when he saw his 'friends' of the Akatsuki. "Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!" As Orochimaru lifted his arms, Pein looked down to see Orochimaru was wearing a red bow…only a bow. He turned around to leave, but Itachi made him circle back around. "What are you guys doing here?" Orochimaru asked.

"Move," Itachi demanded and pushed Orochimaru to the ground and walked into the house. Pein shrugged and the rest of the Akatsuki walked inside. They went outside to where Sasuke's birthday party was being held.

Sasuke looked up at them when they entered. "What are you guys doing here?" he asked, and then he saw Itachi, "Hey, it really is my birthday!" He grabbed and ax and ran at his brother, but tripped. The ax went flying towards Orochimaru who screamed like a girl and dunked, causing the ax to hit Kabuto.

"Nice shot!" Orochimaru said, "But seriously, why are you guys here."

Pein glanced at Itachi, "Well he-aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!" Pein went to point his finger at Itachi, but the older Uchiha grabbed his finger and bent it backwards, making a cracking sound, "…we wanted to see you," Pein lied.

"Right," Sasuke said, obviously not believing it (Believe it!).

"Here are your fucking presents," Pein said, throwing the presents Itachi had given them to give Sasuke at the younger Uchiha.

Sasuke opened each of the presents, decorated with the Uchiha clan symbol, and was very pleased with each one. All were related to…Naruto; a Naruto plushie, Naruto bedspread, Naruto's used ramen bowl, Naruto's boxers, a Naruto keychain and sasunaru doujinshi. "Wow, you guys know me so well," Sasuke said.

"Well, actually Itachi-aaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!" Once again Itachi broke Pein's finger, "Ow…" Pein mumbled, nursing his new broken finger.

"I don't know if I approve of these gifts…" Orochimaru said. Itachi, who was standing next to Oro, punched him in the face, knocking him to the ground. Pein saw this and looked at Itachi strangely.

"What happened Oro?" Deidara asked, going over to his friend lying on the ground.

Orochimaru glanced at Itachi, who slowly shook his head. "I tripped into Itachi's fist," Orochimaru said.

"You should be more careful," Itachi said and looked at a large box sitting next to Sasuke, "Hey, there's one more present left," he said monotonously.

"Oh, I wonder who it's from," Sasuke said, not finding any tag on the gift, "Well, might as well open it." He opened the box and gasped.

"Sasuke?" Naruto's head poked out of the box, "Thank god, I've been in there for like a week. I was told there would be ramen and…anyway, they stole my shirt and I think I was near a heater or something. I'm so sweaty. And what's with this tattoo?" Naruto looked at his shoulder, showing off an Uchiha clan symbol, "Well, happy birthday Sasuke," the blonde hugged his friend, making Sasuke pass out, and walked off. Naruto passed by Pein and looked at him, "Hey," he said and walked away, "Taxi!"

Pein gaped at Naruto and then at Itachi, "You had the nine tailed Jinchuuriki?"

"Yes."

"For a week?"

"Uh-huh."

"To give to your brother for his birthday?"

"Correct."

"…what the hell?!"

"Now, I need to do some damage control," Itachi said. He went over to the balloons of strange shapes and colors and popped those, then put up orange ones with a Naruto-like face on them and ones the same colors as the Uchiha clan symbol. He also took the tablecloth off the picnic table and replaced it with a Naruto tablecloth. Lastly, he went over to the piñata shaped like a penis (cue disgusted face) and knocked it down only to find the inside was filled with condoms. Itachi shook his head in annoyance and set up another piñata shaped like Orochimaru.

Itachi left and Kisame ran over to the condoms, gathering them in his arms. Pein walked over to him and knocked them all back to the ground. "No," Pein said sternly. Kisame sulked away and Pein glanced around furtively. When he knew no one was looked he grabbed one of the condoms and stuffed it into his cloak pocket.

Itachi walked into the kitchen and saw Orochimaru fussing about the very large cake.

"Is that the cake?" Itachi asked.

"Yep…kukukuku," Orochimaru chuckled.

"Is it cardboard?"

"You know it," Orochimaru said, opening up the door on the top in which he would pop out.

"Uh-huh," Itachi made a few hand signs and used one of his katon jutsus to set the cake on fire. Orochimaru mourned his cake and Itachi grabbed an apron from a hook.

"Whiskers make sure to get lots of pictures of Sasuke while I make him a real cake," Itachi instructed the cat, handing him his camera phone. The cat meowed and took the phone to do what he was told. "Man, I love that cat," Itachi quietly mused. As the cake was finishing up, Itachi gave Orochimaru a death glare. "Touch this cake and you die," he said.

The older Uchiha went back outside and nodded at Whiskers. The cat sat a ways away from the picnic table Sasuke was sitting at, his paw on the phone. While Sasuke was distracted with his gifts, Itachi discreetly kneeled down next to his younger brother. Whiskers took pictures while Itachi leaned in next to Sasuke, giving the camera a V sign once and making a heart with his hands another time, his face was stoic as usual thought (A/N Though if you want to see another expression…chapter 386, ladies…chapter 386). The only one who noticed Itachi's strange behavior was Pein.

Itachi left to check on the cake. The rest of the Akatsuki was pretty much miserable while Sasuke talked.

"And then Sakura comes crying after me like the sad ho she is and I'm all like 'bitch please'. And did I ever tell you guys about the time Naruto totally kissed me right before we were assigned to the same squad? Hellooooo tongue! We're destined to be together I just know it! And then the time Naruto totally groped me…" The only one who was paying attention was Deidara, who was nodding in understanding.

Thankfully, Itachi came out wheeling the cake which was also shaped like the Uchiha clan symbol. Orochimaru started to sing 'happy birthday' along with Itachi and a bloody Kabuto. The rest of the Akatsuki stayed silent until Itachi glared at them, sharingan spinning, then the rest joined in. When they finished, Sasuke clapped happily and blew out the fifteen candles on his cake (his wish was to get out of this hell hole and back to Naruto). While Sasuke ate his cake, Itachi looked around cautiously before pulling out his camera an taking a picture so fast that if you would have blinked, you would have missed it. Pein saw this and looked at him strangely again.

A few minutes later, after Sasuke finished his cake, Itachi abruptly turned to Pein. "Ok, let's go," he said, "Why'd you guys drag me here?"

Pein shrugged and gathered the rest of the Akatsuki to leave. "Say goodbye," Itachi ordered.

"But-,"

"**Say goodbye**."

"Bye Sasuke," the Akatsuki said and the happy birthday boy waved them goodbye.

**-The Drive Home-**

"Ok, what the hell was that?!" Pein had to ask.

"What are you talking about?" Itachi asked.

"Today at Sasuke's birthday!"

"Oh yeah, Sasuke's birthday is today…"

"What are you talking abou-," Pein turned around to see everyone had McDonald's bags, "…where'd you guys get that?"

"We just got back from McDonald's," Itachi said and everyone nodded. They all were eating their food (including Hidan, but Pein was too baffled to say anything). Pein looked at Konan, who waved at him. The leader shook his head and looked around at everyone confusedly.

"Then…what about these?" Pein asked, holding up his bandaged hands from Itachi breaking his fingers.

"Well, when you took the bags, they must have been really hot because you burnt your hands."

"No, you broke them and," Pein undid the bandages to see his hands really were burned. Itachi coughed slightly, and smoke puffed out.

"No…no…no no no nononononononono," Pein repeated, shaking his head rapidly.

Itachi looked out the window and smiled slightly. "What's that?" Pein asked, pointing at Itachi.

"Gas," Itachi replied curtly.

Pein began twitching and foaming at the mouth. "Settle down…" Konan said, "At least wait until we get home."

They reached their home and Pein parked on the lawn instead of the driveway. Pein slowly unbuckled his seat belt and walked towards the house.

"Leader, we're on the grass," Deidara said.

"I know…" Pein said quietly. He went into the house and into his bedroom and promptly laid down on his bed, head first.

**-The Next Morning-**

In the kitchen, Pein noticed a camera phone sitting on the table. He picked it up and looked through the pictures, which were of Sasuke's birthday party.

Itachi walked in and snatched the phone from Pein. "Quit looking through my stuff, perv," he said.

Pein sighed, grabbed the morning paper and sat down.

**Ok, Sasuke's birthday wasn't so bad…well, for him. But that's alright. Please review. **


	13. And Baby Makes Eleven

EPIC WARNING: If you are nursing, pregnant or may become pregnant, you should not read this story

**EPIC WARNING: If you are nursing, pregnant or may become pregnant, you should not read this story. But seriously, this is the most messed up story we ever came up with, so if you have low blood pressure, or have any pride left, don't read this. It is SO weird. (cries)**

**And Baby Makes Eleven**

Pein was reading the paper in the living room alone (for once). Everyone else was busy doing things that Pein didn't care to know about.

"Umm…Leader?"

"What is it Deidara?" Pein asked, not looking away from his paper.

"We have a…problem," the blonde said.

"No matter what the problem is, it can't possibly concern me so I don't care," Pein looked up from his paper and looked at Deidara, "You got fat."

Deidara crossed his arms and pouted, "I'm not fat…I'm…how should I put this?" Deidara rubbed his fat belly, "I'm pregnant."

Pein sat completely still, eyes wide in shock. Coincidentally, Sasori just happened to walk in with a sandwich. Pein put down his paper, calmly walked over to Sasori…and punched him in the face.

"Hey! I was going to give this sandwich to Deidara, but if you really want it, I'll make another one! Gosh, you cracked my face," Sasori said, feeling the crack in the wood on his face.

"I meant that!" Pein said, pointing at Deidara's stomach.

"Pfft, don't ask me. I've just been doing the same stuff I've been doing for the past five years," Sasori said with a shrug.

"How long has it been?" Pein asked.

"Almost nine months. It's close," Deidara said, smiling.

"Dammit, I knew this place had been too peaceful," Pein mumbled.

Konan walked in and looked between Deidara and Pein, "So you finally found out," she commented.

"You knew about this?!"

"Of course, we just didn't tell you because we knew you'd freak out. Like you're doing right now," Konan said.

"Damn right I'm freaking out!" Pein yelled.

"Well, what can we do about it really?"

"Abortion," Pein said, taking out a kunai, "This or I'll push you down the stairs, which do you prefer Deidara? Wait, what do I stick this into?" Konan smacked Pein in the head, "We're supposed to let him have this thing?"

"Of course, it's still a baby," Konan said.

"Yeah, but it would be a weird, like, man baby. We'll probably end up killing it anyway," Pein said.

"He's having it and that's final," Konan said firmly.

"Man," Pein sighed, "This is worse than that one time…"

_-Flashback-_

"_Where are those two? They still haven't reported to me about their mission," Pein said, making his way to Sasori and Deidara's room. Pein, without thinking, opened the door to see Deidara sitting on their bed in a pink flowery kimono, his blonde hair done in a complicated up-do with wooden chopsticks sticking out, a pink umbrella matching his kimono and bright red lipstick and blue eye shadow._

…

"_You're not the emperor," Deidara said. _

_Sasori walked in from the bathroom with a red silk yukata on. "Well, my geisha…" Sasori stopped when he noticed Pein, "Hey Leader…um…could you give the geisha and me some privacy?" _

"_Are those my nice clothes?" Pein asked. _

"_Maybe." _

_Then Pein punched Sasori in the face, "You know what? You can keep it." _

_Suddenly, Konan walked in, "Hey Pein have you seem my good kimono?" she looked at a guilty Deidara, "Never mind." _

_-End Flashback-_

"Well," Pein said, "It just so happens that everyone except Konan and I has a mission today…including you Deidara."

"Pei-Leader! Deidara can't go on a mission in his condition!" Konan said.

"Well, what else are we to do?"

"I'll go in his place, right Sasori?" Konan said.

"_Shit," _Pein thought. Deidara covered his mouth with his hand and ran to the bathroom.

"You know guys," Sasori said, "I'm so horny from these past eight months. I could just jump a squirrel…or worse, a woman."

"Wait, I don't like the sound of this," Pein said.

"It'll be fine," Konan said, "Sasori, go wait outside; I have to tell Leader something." Sasori nodded and left. Konan grabbed Pein's cloak and shoved him against a wall, "Listen," she whispered menacingly, "If you do anything to make Deidara upset or are mean to him in any way, I'll make your life a living hell. Got it?"

"Yep," Pein said, frightened.

"Great!" Konan said brightly and put Pein down, "See you in a few days!"

Right after she left, Deidara returned from the bathroom. "Man that throwing up thing is still so annoying," Deidara said.

"Well, looks like I'll be taking care of you for a few days," Pein said begrudgingly.

"That's cool, it'll be a great chance to bond," Deidara said.

"Yeah, wonderful," Pein muttered.

Deidara went to lie down on the couch, as soon as his head hit the pillow, he fell asleep.

"Maybe this won't be that difficult after all," Pein said to himself.

**-A Few Days Later-**

"Leader!"

"What is it now Deidara?" Pein asked, entering the living room to where Deidara was lying on the couch.

"I want ice cream," the blonde whined.

"We don't have any ice cream," Pein said, trying to be calm.

"I want ice cream."

"That's too bad, we don't have any."

"Get me ice cream now!" Deidara screeched, he paused for a few seconds and then started crying, "I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have yelled at you like that," he cried quietly then stopped and glared at Pein, "But why can't you just get me some fucking ice cream!?"

"Alright, I'll get your ice cream," Pein gave in, "What kind do you want?"

"Chocolate!"

"Fine, I'll be right back."

**-Fifteen Minutes Later-**

"Here's your ice cream," Pein said, holding the bowl out to Deidara.

"I don't want it anymore," Deidara said, knocking the bowl to the floor.

Pein sighed deeply, trying hard not the kill the artist. "Is there anything else you want?"

"I want my feet rubbed," Deidara said.

Pein sighed and got on his knees to rub the blonde's feet. _"Holy fuck his feet are clean, is this even possible? How does he do it?" _Pein wondered while he massaged Deidara's squeaky clean feet.

"Hey Leader?"

"Yes."

"Well, thanks so much for taking care of me…I really appreciate it."

"Uh-huh," Pein said and rolled his eyes.

"I was wondering…when the baby is born…I would like you to be the godfather…and Konan the godmother," Deidara said.

Pein looked up at Deidara, "…what?"

"Yeah, I mean…you take really good care of all of us…besides the hitting. It was between you and Oro and I thought if the baby was a boy…that wouldn't work out too well…"

"I'll be right back," Pein said and went into the other room, "I'm going to be a godfather," he said to himself, oddly touched.

**-A Few Hours Later-**

The rest of the Akatsuki went back to the lair together, having finished their missions and met up.

"I can't wait to get back!" Zetsu said.

"Why?" Konan asked.

"Duh, Pein obviously killed Deidara. And we want to eat him," Zetsu said.

"I just want to see some blood," Itachi said.

They reached their hideout and opened the door. Deidara was sitting on the couch in his pink bathrobe and slippers.

"Is it out yet?" Sasori asked.

"Aww," Zetsu said in disappointment.

"Hey guys!" he said happily, "Leader! They're back!"

Pein walked in from the kitchen, smiling and holding a tray. "Oh, welcome back," he said, "Here you are Deidara."

The blonde took a sip of the tea Pein brought him, "Could I have a little sugar?" he asked.

"Sure." Pein dropped two sugar cubes into the cup and Deidara took another sip.

"Perfect," Deidara said.

"What that on his face?" a horrified Tobi asked.

"That's a smile Tobi," Konan said.

"Ahh, it's scary!" Tobi cried.

"Oh my god, Konan!" Pein ran over to her and grabbed her hands, "Guess what? We're going to be godparents!"

"Oh my god, that wonderful!" Konan said and the two bounced around happily.

"Ohhhh," the rest of the Akatsuki said in realization, "That makes sense." Pein was just happy about being a godfather.

"Oh, I almost forgot Dei, I called Oro. He said he'd be here in a few minutes," Pein said and every looked at him in shock.

_Slam_

"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!"

Pein looked over at Orochimaru, who had just burst in. "Heeeeeeeeeeeey!" he said, happily.

Konan ran over to Deidara and started shaking him, "What did you do to him?!" she asked.

"Nothing!" Deidara replied, "Ow." Deidara put a hand on his stomach.

"What's wrong?" Pein asked.

"I-I think the baby's coming," Deidara said.

Before Pein could say anything, Sasori pushed him out of the way (his father instincts finally kicked in) and felt Deidara's stomach. "Guys, we got to get to the hospital," Sasori said.

"Oh my gosh, everyone get in the car," Pein demanded. Sasori picked up Deidara and took him to the car.

"I'll be right behind you guys…heh," Orochimaru said, going into his car, with a reluctant Sasuke.

"Why am I here?" the younger Uchiha asked.

Once Pein thought everyone was in the car, he did I final head count. "Where's Itachi?" he asked, he ran into the kitchen to see Itachi watching his Hot Pocket rotating in the microwave.

"I hate hospital food," he said.

"Itachi, come on," Pein said.

"Hang on," Itachi said.

_Beeeep_

Itachi took out his Hot Pocket and went to the car. "Forgot my drink," he said and went back inside.

"Are we all ready now?" Pein asked, getting behind the wheel. They all nodded and he sped off.

"Hey can we stop for McDonalds?" Tobi asked.

"Yeah, I could go for some…"

"I want a Happy Meal."

"No! There's no time," Pein said, "Is Orochimaru still behind us?"

Kisame turned to look out the back, "Yep," he said.

**-At Hospital-**

"We need a room, this man is about to give birth!" Pein said to the receptionist at the hospital.

"What?" she asked.

"NOW"

They were quickly sent to whatever place you're supposed to go to. Most of the Akatsuki waited outside.

"I don't want to see this."

"Yeah, me neither."

"No way."

Orochimaru tried to go in, but Pein wouldn't let him. "Konan and I are the godparents, so only we can go in," Pein said and slammed the door.

"I thought Sasuke and I were going to be the godparents," Orochimaru said to himself.

"What?" Sasuke asked.

In the hospital room, the doctor entered and looked at the chart, "Ok, what?" he asked.

"This man is going to give birth," Pein said, pointing at Deidara who was already lying under the covers with a hospital gown on.

"And who are all you?" he asked.

"We're the godparents," Pein said proudly, gesturing to himself and Konan.

"I'm the father, I guess," Sasori said.

"Now hurry up and do whatever it is you're supposed to do," Pein demanded.

The doctor lifted the blanket up and looked under it. "Well, I suppose you could try pushing…I've never really had this situation before," he said, "I don't know how to…work this."

Deidara pushed a few times and there was a very heavy plop sound. It was very quiet…then out from under the blanket…a watermelon rolled out (seriously).

Everyone was in shock, especially the doctor. They all looked over nervously at Pein. The Leader closed his eyes and nodded lightly.

"So, what to you want to name him Sasori?" Deidara asked in a high pitched voice.

"How about melon?" Pein asked, monotonously.

More silence.

"Deidara…how did this happen?" Pein asked quietly.

"Well, a about nine months ago, I was eating a watermelon with a lot of seeds…I didn't think it worked like that though."

"And why were you so moody?"

"I guess I was just on my period."

…

Pein nodded slightly. "Heh…ha…hahaha…HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Pein started laughing hysterically.

Outside, the rest of the Akatsuki looked at the door in fear. "What going on in there?" Hidan asked.

Back in the hospital room, Deidara looked hopefully at Pein. "You're not angry?" he asked.

"Haa…I'm…heh…I'm furious," he said, he went over to the watermelon and picked it up, still laughing, "Come on guys."

Konan, Sasori and Deidara hesitantly followed him out of the room.

"Am I an uncle yet?" Orochimaru asked, but Pein pushed him out of the way.

"Let's go guys," he said, still laughing, "Except you," he added, pointing at Orochimaru, "Come near my house and I'll castrate you."

They all slowly and fearfully followed Pein out of the hospital to the car. All tried to stay in the far, far back. Away from Pein, who kept laughing.

They got home and followed Pein into the kitchen. He put the watermelon on the table and everyone gathered around it.

"What are we going to do with it?" Kisame asked.

"This," Pein said, he pulled out a butcher knife and cut it in half.

"My baby!" Deidara cried.

"It's not your baby," Pein said.

"What are we going to do though?" Hidan asked.

"Now…eat it," Pein commanded.

"What about the green part?" Kakuzu asked.

"Even that."

"What about me?" Deidara asked.

"Don't eat the seeds."

"I can't eat," Sasori said.

"Too bad for you, do it anyways."

Pein sat back in a chair and threaded his fingers together. "Do it…now."

**-Nine Months Later-**

"Leader."

Pein sighed, "What is-," he looked up and saw Itachi had a big belly, and then promptly fainted.

"That was mean Itachi," Deidara said, as he and Sasori entered the living room.

"It's still funny," Itachi said. He opened his cloak and Whiskers jumped out.

…**There are no words. **

**Please review. **


	14. Intermission

Intermission time

**Intermission time! Now, that it's the intermission, who could we possibly talk about? Can you guess whose life we could get a better sneak peek into? **

**Intermission**

Orochimaru and Sasuke sat in their living room watching the Naruto fillers. Since Sasuke was away, the raven was worried about what the blonde was up to…particularly with other people that were not him. Sasuke realized when he started watching these; he had a right to be worried. What was with Naruto and all these chicks? And Neji was totally coming on to Naruto too, the whore. The two were watching episode 171 with Naruto, Ino, Shino and Anko.

When Anko licked the kunai, Orochimaru snorted. "Come on, when she licks a kunai everyone throws a party," he said, "But when I do, I get arrested. Like that one time…"

_-Flashback-_

"Sasuke, I'm going out," Orochimaru said, getting his car keys.

"Ok, where?" Sasuke asked, not looking up from the book he was reading, _How to Kill Your Brother for Dummies_.

"You don't need to know."

"Right," Sasuke said, he didn't care as long as Orochimaru was gone.

So, Orochimaru got into his black van and drove to the nearby school. He walked into a kindergarten class. "Hey children!" he said, getting everyone's attention, "Look at this!" He took out a kunai and licked it in a dramatic and disturbing fashion. The next thing you know, a police officer is shoving him onto the hood of his police car.

"This is completely unnecessary officer," Orochimaru insisted while the cop patted him down. Orochimaru glanced to the right to see a little boy standing there. It was take you kids to work day and the officer just happened to have a son that he brought along. "Hey, that your son?" Orochimaru asked, "Hey boy, want to sit back with the big dogs? Rawr." At that the officer tazed Orochimaru for hitting on his son. The officer cuffed Orochimaru and tried to get him into the car, but Orochimaru spread his legs (stop thinking gross things) and braced them on the sides of the door.

"Sir, get in the car or I will taze you," the man said and Orochimaru quickly and quietly got into the back.

_At the station_

"Alright sir, you get one phone call," the officer said, taking him to the phone.

"I already know who to call," Orochimaru said to himself.

_Ring, ring_

"Hello?" Kabuto asked, picking up the phone, "Orochimaru-sama?"

"Give the phone to Sasuke!" Orochimaru commanded.

Kabuto moped over to Sasuke and handed him the phone. "Go kill yourself," Sasuke said, taking the phone, "Hello?"

"Listen Sasuke, some pretty un-cool stuff went down at the Kindergarten," Orochimaru said, "Long story short, I need you to bail me out of jail."

Sasuke thought about it for a second, "No, I don't think I will," he said, examining his nails.

"Then how are you going to kill your brother?"

…

"Be there in five minutes."

_At the jail_

The officer walked over to the cell Orochimaru was in along with Kadaj (FF: Advent Children), Michael Jackson and Pedobear.

"Your bail's here Orochimaru," the cop said and Sasuke walked in looking annoyed.

"Sweet. See ya MJ," Orochimaru said. He walked over to the bars and thrust up against them. "Are you as hot as I am right now?" he asked Sasuke. Orochimaru stuck out his unnaturally long tongue and wiggled it in front of Sasuke. Sasuke just looked uncaring.

"You know you don't have to let him out," the policeman said to Sasuke.

Sasuke sighed, "I know," he said, while Orochimaru continued to do weird things with his tongue.

_In the car_

The car was completely silent as they drove home.

"…when we get home I'm going to destroy you," Orochimaru said.

Sasuke continued to look annoyed and mentally chanted _'Must kill brother, must kill brother'_.

"I'm going to wreck you."

"Keep it in you pants till we get home old man!"

"I'm not making any promises."

_End flashback_

"Yep," Orochimaru said, "Good times." Sasuke sighed. "Well, let's go visit my good friends at the Akatsuki."

"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!!"

**End**


	15. Akatsuki Sleepover Party

Ok, this one is my crack baby, I came up with the idea, my brother and I came up with the details

**Ok, this one is my crack baby, I came up with the idea, my brother and I came up with the details. Hope you like it. Lots of yaoi undertones, be forewarned. **

**Akatsuki Sleepover Party**

It was another (sigh) normal day at the Akatsuki's house. Pein was reading the paper and next to him Konan was reading up on feminism.

Pein lowered his paper and looked around the empty living room, "Its quiet…too quiet," he said.

"You're paranoid," Konan said.

"And you're a bitch," Pein mumbled under his breath. He returned to reading his paper, but he thought he heard something so he lowered it again only to find Deidara's face only centimeters from his. He screamed in surprise and pulled away. "What do you want?" he asked.

"I just wanted to give Konan a present," Deidara said innocently.

"Why? You don't like girls," Pein said pointedly.

"I like Konan," Deidara said, smiling at the woman.

"Aww, thanks Deidara. I like you too," Konan said and Pein rolled his eyes.

"Here you go," Deidara said and thrust a large wad of cash into her hands.

"Does Kakuzu know about this?" Pein asked, eyeing the money.

"No," Deidara replied.

Pein heard the door to the kitchen creak and looked over to see the rest of the Akatsuki peeking out. "What's going on?" Pein asked, suspicious as always.

"This is nice…but what is it for?" Konan asked.

"Well, we got you reservations at a five star hotel, along with money for a movie, dinner and a spa treatment at the hotel and room service of course," Deidara said.

"Sweet, let's go," Pein said, getting up.

"Um, Leader, it's just for Konan," Deidara said.

"Huh?" Pein asked, "What do you mean?"

"You see Leader, the rest of the Akatsuki and I wanted to have a guys only sleepover with Oro and Sasuke," Deidara said.

"Well, see ya," Konan said, walking towards the door.

"NO! Don't leave me," Pein said, grabbing her ankles, but Konan was not slowed and dragged Pein across the floor, "Please don't leave me with them."

Konan stopped walking and turned around, Pein let go of her ankles, "You…or a free night at a hotel with movies, dinner and a spa…I think I'll go with the second," Konan said. She opened the door and left, leaving Pein sitting there. He slowly turned around to look at the rest of the Akatsuki, most who were grinning at him.

Pein sighed, seemingly defeated, "I'm leaving," he announced and made a break for the door, but the rest of Akatsuki tackled him.

"You can't go, what about the sleepover?" Deidara said.

"Fuck you guys and your creepy ideas," Pein said, getting away and walking to the door, "I'll goi-."

_Slam_

"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!" Orochimaru said, happily, with a not so happy Sasuke next to him, "We're here for the sleepover…where's Leader?"

Pein staggered out from behind the door looking pissed. "Please stay Leader," most of the Akatsuki begged.

"Fine…" Pein said, defeated.

"Great! Let's all get our pajamas on," Deidara said.

"What makes you think I have pajamas?" Pein asked.

…

"Be back in a minute."

**-Sleepover!-**

Let's take a look at everyone's pajama choices…

Pein: Normal pajamas decorated with Akatsuki clouds.

Orochimaru: (Was forced to wear clothes by Sasuke) Pajamas decorated with purple snakes

Sasuke: Uchiha clan and anti-Itachi pajamas and his Naruto plushie.

Hidan: Black pajamas with the Jashin symbol thing (Pein wouldn't let him wear the Jewish ones)

Kakuzu: Pajamas decorated with money signs ()

Itachi: His cloak

Kisame: Fish pajamas of course

Zetsu: Black and white checkered pajamas

Tobi: Orange footie pajamas

Sasori: A large shirt that read 'I (heart) my boyfriend' and red pajama pants.

Deidara: Pink, skimpy, see-through night gown

"Deidara for the love of god, put something else on," Pein said, covering his eyes.

"Fine," Deidara grumbled and returned a few minutes later wearing a pink spaghetti strap pajama shirt and pink and black pajama pants.

"Well, what's first sexy?" Sasori asked Deidara.

"God…" Pein whispered.

"Makeovers!" Deidara said. Everybody cheered except Itachi who looked uncaring and Pein who looked horrified.

"Can I do your hair Itachi?" Sasori asked.

"No, I want to do his hair!" Hidan said.

"I wanted to," Deidara said.

"What's your secret?" Kisame asked.

"I'll never tell," Itachi said, looking a little proud.

"Over hear Leader!" Deidara said, "I'll do your nails."

Pein reluctantly sat down across from Deidara at the coffee table, and set his hand down. "What color do you want?" Deidara asked.

"Black," Pein said.

"So, how's it going?" Deidara asked.

"Well…"

"Ok, who wants to make me lemony fresh?" Sasori asked, pulling out a can of lemon pledge.

"Anyone want to wax me?" Kisame asked.

"Sasuke would, but he has to do me," Orochimaru said.

"And then I said to her, 'I'm the boss her, your just my assistant'," Pein said.

"Then what did she do?" Deidara said.

"She slapped me."

**-Sleepover!-**

"Now what?" Pein asked.

Deidara took out a list, "Truth or dare," he said.

"Aw, yeah, this is the best!" Orochimaru said.

All of them sat in a circle so they could play.

"Ok, I'll go first," Deidara said, "…Leader, truth or dare?"

Pein sighed, "Truth."

"How many piercings do you have?"

"Twenty eight," Pein said under his breath.

"Man I was way off…"

"I wonder how many of those are below his waist."

"Way more than I have…I only have three," Deidara said.

"Yeah, yeah…um, Kakuzu. Truth or dare?" Pein asked.

"Dare," Kakuzu said bravely.

"Ok…eat this dollar bill," Pein said, pulling out a dollar.

Kakuzu took the dollar bill and looked at it uncertainly. "I'm sorry George," he said and shoved the money in his mouth.

"Nice one Leader."

"Yeah, that was good."

Kakuzu swallowed and looked like he was going to cry…then he did cry, "Fine, Hidan. Truth or Dare."

"Since you can do a dare, so can I," Hidan said, "I choose dare."

"Hey Kakuzu, I have an idea," Pein said.

"Yeah?"

Pein whispered something in Kakuzu's ear (because they were sitting next to each other) and Kakuzu nodded. "Good idea," he said, "Hidan, I dare you to finish this." Kakuzu pulled a chocolate bar out of his pocket and tossed it to Hidan.

"Fine," Hidan said, taking the chocolate. As soon as he ate the last bite, Hidan got up and ran out of the room to throw up.

He came back a few minutes later and sat down. "Ok, Sasori. Truth or dare," Hidan said.

"Truth," Sasori replied.

"Um…how big is Deidara?" he asked.

"A foot," Sasori said, causing Orochimaru to spit out his drink on Sasuke.

"No way," Pein said.

"Yeah, I'm just kidding he's actually-."

"Noooo Danna," Deidara whined.

"Never mind," Hidan said, "Go ahead Sasori."

"Ok, Deidara. Truth or dare?" Sasori asked.

"Of course," Pein said under his breath.

"Dare," Deidara said, preparing to pull down his pants.

"No need Deidara," Sasori said, "I dare you to say my art is better."

Deidara gasped, "Fine, You're…everlasting art is…better…Sasori-danna," he said begrudgingly.

"Man that was hot," Sasori said and the two started making out.

"Hey, hey, hey!" Pein said, rolling up a newspaper and hitting the two while the other Akatsuki members cheered them on.

Finally, the two separated and it was Deidara's turn. "Oro, truth or dare?" he asked.

"Dare," Orochimaru said.

"Ok, I dare you to look a picture of breasts for ten seconds without blinking," Deidara said.

"Where are we going to get a picture of breasts?" Orochimaru asked, hoping they didn't have any.

All the Akatsuki looked at Pein. "What makes you think I have any?" Pein asked.

"We all know you have porn Leader," Deidara said.

Pein glared at them and pulled out a magazine, throwing it at Orochimaru. He took the magazine and opened it. Orochimaru did manage to look at it for ten seconds without blinking, but he screamed the whole time. When he finished the dare, Orochimaru threw the magazine back at Pein. "Sasuke, truth or dare?" he asked.

"For the sake of my health, truth," Sasuke said.

"Have you ever, ever been attracted to a girl?" Orochimaru asked.

"Hell no," Sasuke said, easily.

"Ok, Itachi," Sasuke said, voice filled with bitterness, "Truth or dare?"

"Hn, dare."

"I dare you to kill yourself!"

"Hn, no."

"Dammit," Sasuke said.

"Kisame, truth or dare?" Itachi asked.

"You're picking me Itachi?" Kisame asked, happily.

"You're the only one left," Itachi said.

"What about us?" Zetsu said, gesturing to him and Tobi.

"Oh…well I'm still picking Kisame," Itachi said, "Truth or dare?"

"Dare," Kisame said.

"I dare you to let me punch you in the gills," Itachi said.

"Well, alrigh-ow!" Kisame said, rubbing his cheek, "Zetsu, truth or dare?"

"Which one?" the two said in unison.

"Both," Kisame said.

"Truth," they said in unison again.

"Have you ever found someone you ate attractive?" Kisame asked.

"Yes."

"No."

The two looked at each other. "Tobi, truth or dare?" they asked.

"Truth!" Tobi said happily.

"Were you ever not a good boy?" Zetsu asked.

There was a pause. "Nooooo," he said.

"Well, that's everyone," Pein said.

"We're forgetting someone," Itachi said.

Everyone looked around. "Who?" Pein asked.

"Whiskers," Itachi said.

"Ok Whiskers, truth or dare?" Tobi asked.

…

"Whiskers says truth," Itachi said.

"Is Itachi you're favorite Akatsuki member?" Tobi asked.

…

"Whiskers says yes," Itachi said.

"Ok, now that's everyone," Pein said, "What's next?"

"Spin the bottle," Deidara said.

"Nooooo way," Pein said, getting up.

"Hold him down," Deidara commanded. Kakuzu and Itachi, who were sitting next to Pein, made him stay.

"Konan better be having a horrible time too," Pein grumbled.

**-Konan-**

"This is the life," Konan sighed, while she was getting a massage from a handsome, muscular man after dinner, "Another martini over here please!"

**-Back Home-**

Deidara pulled out a bottle and set it in the middle of their circle. "Who's the first victim?" the blonde asked, "Leader, you go first."

"Fine…" Pein said and spun. It lands on…Orochimaru.

"Tongue's allowed right?" Orochimaru asked.

"No," Pein said, "Forget it."

"Awwwwww."

"Alright, my turn," Orochimaru said, and spun. It landed on…Deidara.

"'Kay," Deidara said easily and scooted across the circle to Orochimaru while Sasori took out his camera. Pein quickly covered his eyes, not wanting to see any man on man action. When Pein opened his eyes, Deidara had already spun the bottle. The bottle landed on Pein. "Alright," Deidara said and practically tackled Pein, but Leader pushed him away.

"Leader, you're ruining the game," Deidara whined.

"I don't care," Pein said.

"Aren't you going to spin again?" Deidara asked.

"No," Pein said and got out of the circle.

"I'll spin," Kisame said. He spun the bottle which landed on Itachi. Kisame dived at Itachi, but the Uchiha stopped him. "I don't think so," he said.

"Fine," Kisame said and sulked away.

Itachi spun the bottle and it landed on…Sasuke.

…

"This is hot," Deidara said.

"No way…no way in hell," Sasuke said.

"C'mon Sasuke, how about a hug?" Orochimaru said.

"Fine," Sasuke said. He moved closer and as soon as he was arms length away from Itachi, the older Uchiha pulled him into a big hug.

…

"Itachi…" Sasuke said, "You get let go now."

"I don't want to," Itachi said.

"Let go Itachi," Sasuke said again.

"Never again," Itachi whispered.

"Itachi…?" everyone said questioningly.

Itachi quickly pushed Sasuke away. "God Sasuke, cut it out," he said.

Sasuke went back to his spot and spun. The bottle lands on Sasori.

"Aww yeah, this is going to be good," Orochimaru said.

Sasuke and Sasori kissed and then it was Sasori's turn. Sasori's spin landed on Deidara. The two began making out in the middle of the circle until Pein pulled them apart.

"Spin the bottle over," he said, "Next 'game'."

"Now we're going to play 'I never'," Deidara said.

"Does this mean we get beer?" Pein asked, hopeful.

"No, the choices are, martinis, pina coladas, or margaritas…and apple juice for Tobi," Deidara said.

"Fine, get the drinks," Pein said.

After getting all their drinks, the group returned to their spots. Pein took a small sip of his colorful drink. "Damn this is kind of good," he said to himself.

"Sasori-danna, you can start this time," Deidara said.

"Ok, I never used my chakra strings for inappropriate reasons."

"Dannnnaaa," Deidara said.

"Fine, I never…cross dressed," Sasori said.

Deidara, Orochimaru, Sasuke and Hidan took a drink (A/N Drinking means you did do it).

"You can go now Deidara," Sasori said.

"Ok, I never…wore the same outfit two days in a row," Deidara said.

Only Itachi drank.

"I'll go," Pein said, "I never had sex with a guy."

Everyone else drank.

"What?" Pein asked, "You all…never mind."

"I want to go," Hidan said, "I never ate pork."

Everyone else drank.

"Jew," Pein mumbled.

"I never spent more than five dollars," Kakuzu said.

Everyone else drank once again.

"I'll go," Kisame said, "Everyone lean in and cover Tobi's ears…I never…(whispers)."

"Awwww, man, that's just sick," Pein said.

Orochimaru, Sasuke, Deidara and Sasori drank.

"You guys are nasty," Pein said.

"I never…" Itachi stopped to think, "Hit my cat."

No one else drank.

"Does Deidara in cat ears count?" Sasori asked.

"No."

"Ok, then."

"We've never been attracted to someone younger than us," Zetsu said.

Orochimaru and Itachi drank, but the only one who noticed Itachi was Pein.

"I've never been a bad boy," Tobi said.

Everyone else drank.

"I never…" Orochimaru thought for a second, "I've never raped a girl before."

Only black Zetsu drank (A/N Racismbad, just a joke).

"I'm last," Sasuke said, "I never…seen a vagina."

Only Pein drank and everyone looked at him.

"Don't look at me, freaks," Pein said.

"Aww, I got a really good idea!" Deidara said.

"What is it?" Sasori asked.

"We go around and say who we would want to have sex with most, besides the person you're already with," Deidara said.

Everyone agreed.

"Go ahead, Itachi," Deidara said.

"Fine…Sasuke," Itachi said.

…

"Next," Pein said, trying to get rid of the tension.

"Jaws," Kisame said, suddenly, "I want to break off a piece of that. Aw yeah, dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun (Jaws theme)."

"I'll go," Hidan said, "This guy from my childhood, he had a butt like a basketball."

"Good to know," Kakuzu said, "I'd have to say with my good friend Benjamin Franklin."

"The shit?" Pein said.

"I wanna go!" Tobi said, "First Hokage."

Everyone looked at him strangely.

"You go Zetsu," Pein said.

"Shaq," the black side said.

"Jeff from my KKK group," the white side said.

"That's a tough one…" Orochimaru said, "Kimimaro…good kid."

"Naruto," Sasuke said, without a second of hesitation.

"I'm next," Sasori said, "Gaara…I know what you're thinking, but what about the sand?"

The rest of the Akatsuki, except Pein, agreed.

"What about you Leader?" Sasori asked.

"A woman!" Pein said, horrified that everyone in the Akatsuki chose men.

"You're the last one Deidara," Hidan said.

"This is easy for me," Deidara said, "Leader."

...

"What?" Pein asked.

"Yeah, I think you'd be very good," Deidara said.

By now, Pein didn't know what to say. The rest of the Akatsuki looked skeptically at Deidara.

"Like you guys have never thought about it," Deidara said.

Everyone paused to think, and eventually they all agreed with Deidara.

"Sleepover's over," Pein announced.

"But, Leader-."

"No! Orochimaru, take your emo boy toy and get out. The rest of you go to your rooms," Pein said, "And no talking."

Pein looked pretty scary, so they all listened to him.

**The Next Day**

"I'm home," Konan said, entering the house after a wonderful night by herself.

Pein ran into the room, knocking over Hidan who was carrying a stack of books. "I missed you so much," Pein cried, giving her a hug, "Don't leave me with them again.

"Oh, look at that," Kisame said, "Leader's getting his freak on."

**The End**


	16. Pein and Konan

Lol, heterosexuals

**Lol, heterosexuals. This one actually has straight sexual things D: Enjoy, I know I won't. **

**Pein and Konan**

The Akatsuki, minus Pein and Konan, were sitting in the kitchen eating breakfast.

"So," Deidara said, "How should we bother Leader today?"

"Well, I made up a list," Itachi said, pulling a sheet of paper out of his pocket.

"Me too!" Kisame said, also pulling out a piece of paper.

The rest of the Akatsuki 'Me too'ed and pulled out lists.

"Isn't this funny?" Sasori said.

"Yeah…" Itachi agreed, "Remember that time I had Whiskers pee on the carpet?"

"That left quite the stain…Leader was so pissed," Kisame said, "And we begged him to go on a road trip when we knew how badly it would end."

"And the time we put all our money in a different account and pretended we were broke," Deidara said.

"What?" Kakuzu said, not knowing of this detail.

"Sorry about that Kakuzu, but you're reaction had to be real," Hidan said.

"And the time Itachi said he'd have sex with his brother," Kisame said, "Like you would ever do that Itachi."

Itachi glanced around, "Yeah…"

"Or when Deidara got pregnant," Zetsu said.

"Um…that was an accident," Deidara said.

"Well it was still funny," Itachi said.

"Well, I made a list of the top ten," Deidara said, writing down something in a notebook, "Hey, I can do one of these know." Deidara ran into the living room, but Pein wasn't there. "Maybe he's in his bedroom," he said. The blonde made his way to Pein's room and opened the door. He gasped at what he saw and quietly shut the door. He tip-toed away from the room until he was a good ways away and quickly ran into the bathroom.

The rest of the group was still in the kitchen when they here'd the sound of someone throwing up. They all looked at Itachi, who shrugged as if to say 'Why are you looking at me?'. Suddenly Deidara ran into the room, looking very sick.

"What's wrong Deidara?" Sasori asked.

"I saw a vagina!" Deidara said and the others gasped.

"Who's?" Sasori asked.

"Konan's!"

"Eeeeewww," the other's said in unison.

"What did it look like?" Itachi asked.

"I'm currently trying to get rid of the image thank you," Deidara said.

"How did you see it?" Sasori asked.

"Pein and Konan, they were…" Deidara looked at Tobi and whispered, "Copulating."

"What's that?" Tobi asked.

"Go to your room Tobi," Zetsu said.

"Are you sure?" they all asked.

"Yeah, what else could they have been doing?" Deidara said.

Itachi got up, "I got to see this," he said.

The rest followed and they all peaked into the room.

"That's nasty," Sasori said and Deidara was covering his eyes.

"It doesn't look like it's as much fun as gay sex," Hidan said, although the only sex he ever gets is being raped by Kakuzu.

"Aw yeah, Leader's getting his freak on," Kisame said.

"Let's go I'm getting sick," Deidara said, "Sasori after all this we're going to do it six ways till Sunday." When Deidara said that there was a flashing red arrow pointing up above Sasori's head and a ding sound.

When they all got back to the kitchen, Deidara immediately called Orochimaru on his pink Razor.

"O-M-G Oro, you'll never guess what happened. You have to get over here," Deidara said.

"No way, what is it?" Orochimaru asked.

"We saw Leader and Konan having sex."

"Ew, gross," Orochimaru said, "We'll be there soon. Hey Sasuke, get your pants on we're going to the Akatsuki's."

"Why?" Deidara heard Sasuke asked.

"Leader and Konan had sex."

"Gross."

(Dial tone)

The Akatsuki all sat back down and talked amongst themselves. Pein and Konan walked in and everyone immediately shut up and looked at the two.

"Whatever you guys are thinking about doing, stop it," Pein said, "What's for breakfast?"

"The usual, you know," Deidara said, his smile a bit too wide.

"Hey Konan, want a sausage and two eggs?" Kisame asked, pushing a plate over to her. Ever hear of phallic imagery? Yeah…it looks like that.

"Um…sure," Konan said a bit suspicious.

"Heeeee-," Orochimaru stopped his usual greeting when he saw Pein, "_Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeey_." He then glared at Konan, obviously jealous.

"So how was your morning Leader?" Orochimaru asked.

"Fine," Pein said.

"Just fine?"

"Yeah…"

"Are you offended by that?" Kisame asked Konan.

"What?" the woman asked.

"Hey Dei, I hope you don't mind, but I invited a friend over. He just has to be here," Orochimaru whispered.

"Ok, who is it?" Deidara asked.

_Slam_

Jiraiya burst in with Naruto in tow. The old man nodded and Pein and smiled perversely. While Sasuke pretended to ignore Naruto and check him out at the same time.

"What are you doing here?" Pein asked.

Jiraiya walked over to Pein and held up his hand, "High five."

"Hey can I have some breakfast?" Naruto asked.

"Huh? Sure," Pein said, distractedly and high fived Jiraiya.

Jiraiya now looked at Konan, "I bet you like it dirty right?" he said.

"Pardon me?!" Konan asked.

"Yeah, you like it rough don't you?" Jiraiya continued going on with his perverted remarks.

"I'm trying to eat here," Deidara said.

Jiraiya also sat down to eat. So now the organization plus four other were eating here and Pein looked very confused. The others were chatting and laughing, about what, Pein and Konan did not know.

"Ok, that's it," Pein said, standing up, "What going on?"

Deidara could no longer take it anymore, "I saw your penis!" he yelled, "…and Konan's vagina, but that was nasty."

"…What!?" Pein asked.

"We caught you having sex!" Kisame said, strangely happy.

Konan hid her face with her hands in shame while Pein looked angry beyond belief.  
"Seriously Leader, you're yelling at us for having sex, when you do it too," Deidara said, not noticing Pein's anger, "I mean really, talk about hypocritical."

"Deidara, sit down," Sasori said.

"Ok, fine! I have sex with this woman," Pein yelled pointing at Konan, "And it's to get rid of the stress you all give me, mind you! I admit it! I like boobs!" Pein stood behind Konan and grabbed her breasts. Konan looked down at his hands annoyed.

"Good man," Jiraiya said.

"Such a waste," Orochimaru murmured, shaking his head.

"I'm going to do this," Pein said, removing one of his hands to point at the others before quickly putting it back in place, "And I'm going to continue doing this so you all can shut the fuck up."

"Um…Leader," Deidara said, pointing at Konan.

Pein quickly removed his hands from their spot, "Man, I'm in trouble."

"How can you touch those?" Orochimaru asked.

"You know what, in the living room," Pein said, "The rest of you, get out."

Orochimaru, Sasuke and Jiraiya left, but Naruto did not.

"What are you waiting for? Get out!" Pein said, throwing Naruto outside, "…wait…"

**A Few Days Later**

The Akatsuki minus Pein and Konan were hanging around in the living room. All were thankful that the two weren't in the room because they had been arguing the past few days.

"You have no idea what goes on here, do you?!" Konan yelled, storming into the room.

"I know what goes on here, I just try to ignore it," Pein said.

The two continued to argue and the rest of the Akatsuki ignored them.

"Man, they've been going at it for days," Deidara said.

"Think it's our fault?" Sasori asked.

"Nah," Deidara said after a minute.

"Tch, you're useless," Konan said, crossing her arms.

"…come again?" Pein asked, walking up to Konan so that they were a few inches apart.

Konan glared at him, "You're…_useless_."

At that, the rest of the Akatsuki turned their attention to Pein and Konan. They all thought Pein was going to back down…he doesn't have the balls to stand up to Konan.

Pein slowly lifted his arm and smacked Konan across the face.

The others gasped and flew back, plastering themselves against the wall, except Itachi who stood just stood up in excitement.

"Y-you hit me," Konan said, shocked.

"That's right," Pein said, "Today's my day! I'm taking back this organization!" While he said this though, the only thing going through his head was, _"I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die." _

Konan shook her hair out of her face and slapped Pein back.

Zetsu quickly covered Tobi's eye and ears.

"What's happening?" Tobi asked.

"Nothin' dawg," black Zetsu said.

"Nothing…human," white Zetsu said.

Pein closed his eyes and nodded slowly, then slapped Konan again.

The other Akatsuki became more nervous, but Itachi moved closer.

"Itachi, what's that?" Deidara said.

Itachi looked down at his crotch, "Huh, I didn't think that thing worked anymore," he said, "Hey there, sleepyhead."

Konan glared daggers at Pein and tackled him. The two continued to fight and Itachi quite enjoyed the whole thing.

"You're tearing this family apart!" Deidara shrieked dramatically.

"Heeeeeeeee-WOAH!" Orochimaru walked in with an uninterested Sasuke. "Why are they fighting?"

"We don't know!" Deidara said.

"Who cares," Orochimaru said, "Hit her! Hit her!"

"That's it, guys break it up!" Deidara demanded.

Sasori pulled Konan off of Pein and the others tried to restrain Pein.

"I'll kill you!" Konan yelled.

"I'll kill your family!" Pein retorted.

"We don't have any family!"

"They didn't want you!"

"Alright, that's enough," Deidara said.

**-Break-**

Now Pein and Konan were sitting on opposite ends of the couch with most of the other Akatsuki members guarding them. Both were really beat up and some of Pein's piercings were gone.

"You fight like a girl," Pein said after a second.

"I bet you miss these," Konan mocked, holding up some of Pein's missing earrings.

"That's it!" Pein tried to stand up, but Kakuzu and Kisame held him down.

Just then, Deidara walked in wearing a doctor's coat, round glasses and a small fake beard.

"You look like an idiot," Pein said.

"Don't be mean to Deidara," Konan said.

"Oh shut up!"

"You shut up!"

"Quiet!" Deidara yelled and threw two small bombs at Pein and Konan's feet, "First off, let's start off with what we like about each other…Leader?"

"She has boobs. That's all she's good for," Pein said.

"Nothing," Konan said.

"Ok, moving on. What word would you use to describe the other?" Deidara asked.

"Ass."

"Bitch."

"Ok this is not working," Deidara said, "Listen, this is no way to handle a relationship. Take me and Sasori-danna for example; we have different opinions, him and his stupid fake eternal 'art' and my perfect, exploding art."

"Deidara, I'm right here," Sasori said.

"Anyways, we still love each other and get along and have hot, kinky sex. You guys should respect your differences. Learn to love your differences."

…

"Guys…here's some money…go away," Pein said, handing them a bunch of money.

"Where do we go?" Deidara asked.

"Doesn't matter, just go," Konan said.

"Gay bar?" Deidara asked the others.

"Hot," Orochimaru said.

"I could get into that," Sasuke said.

"Oh yeah," Sasori said.

"Yeah, gay bar, have fun," Konan said. She and Pein practically pushing them out the door.

**At Gay Bar**

Tobi was on a table swinging his coat around. The crowd was yelling "Tobi, Tobi, Tobi!"

Kisame was hitting on a fish and Kakuzu was pimping out Hidan. Sasori and Deidara were grinding.

**The End**


End file.
